I've begun writing a short story for English and I was wondering if someone could check through it and maybe give me a few tips on the storyline, improvements, ect...
Here it is:
Chapter One
It all started the day Jules McGregor moved to our school. I thought nothing of him at first, another person to stand behind in the dinner queue.
My best friend, Felix, didn’t think much of him either. Felix is the sort of person who seems to know you within the first ten seconds of meeting. He has dark black eyes that seem to penetrate your soul, giving you an uneasy feeling that he can see what you’re thinking. Although he is Spanish, he has pale skin, which seems luminous in the dark of the night, when the street lamps light up his exceptional face.
When Jules entered our classroom, pale and twitching, I could see my friend, Laura, looking at him with distaste, her lip curled, her eyes scanning his face with her eyebrows raised.
Jules was tall and lanky with spiky black hair. His eyes were blue and shining with fear. Although he was trying to appear nonchalant, you could see the apprehension radiating off him.
He ambled to the row in front of me and lowered himself onto the hard, plastic chair. Glancing at the teacher, he bit his lip and then sighed.
I could hear Felix chuckling to himself.
I snorted to myself, “What are you laughing at?”
“That weed,” he replied, wiping his eyes.
I slapped his leg playfully, “Evil git!” I exclaimed, but I was laughing now; Jules really did look pathetic.
We stared at Jules, assessing whether he was worthy of our attention. He seemed to be lost in his own world, grinding his teeth and staring down at his hands. He seemed ordinary, normal, common. Common doesn’t deserve our attention. We didn’t follow the crowd: we had our own minds. We weren’t brainwashed by vulgar raps and anorexic models telling us to buy one label or another.
Call us what you like, to us you are a void of nothingness.
That’s the way it’s always been; us against the world. That’s the way I always wanted it to be… Just me and my group: Felix, Louise, Frank, Arthur and then there was me, Kelly. We had been friends ever since the first day of high school. God, we were so different back then. We were meek, naïve and shy. Shy! Thinking back now I find it impossible that any of us could be described as shy. Especially Felix! That boy is the complete opposite of shy; he’ll say anything that comes to his head to just about anyone; he doesn’t care what you think of him. My friends have sure as hell brought me out of my shell, they’ve took any fears that I had and kicked them the hell out of my system.
Of course we have people that don’t like us, in fact we have a lot of people that don’t like us… but do you know what? We couldn’t give a damn, because we hate them ten fold. So long as we stuck together we’d be fine and they’d leave us alone. They knew they couldn’t get the better of us.
School years were deteriorating fast, and collage was rapidly approaching; we didn’t care what happened during these trivial years, soon it would all be over and reality would start.
It amused us to see those deemed to be popular fussing over insignificant things like their hair, the prom and their boyfriends. None of that would matter to them when they are young mothers, struggling to earn the minimum wage. We didn’t give them the time of day; we passed them by with cold faces and raised eyebrows at their stupidity.
Each day had seemed to be the same before I came to this school. Nothing ever happened that made the day special, thus all seemed to merge into one. The only thing that changed was the weather, which varied from rainy to cloudy. But now I was with my friends it didn’t matter how rubbish the day was; they made it fun.
We were always wary of new kids; we didn’t know what to expect from them: would they be more than we could handle? Would we be able to fend them of? From previous experience I had learned that the answer to that was “yes”. We never allowed anyone new into our group; they couldn’t be trusted. I doubt we would have trusted Mother Teresa! We only trusted each other. We could tell each other anything without worrying about them betraying our trust.
I still remember the first time we ever met: it was the first day of high school; we had been split up into separate classes. Felix, Louise and I had been put into one class and although we had never met each other before, somehow we found ourselves gravitating towards each other. We were sat on the same row in the classroom and quickly became friends. I was so timid around them at first but I soon learnt that they felt the same way as me and that somehow made it easier.
I also learnt that Felix had a twin, Frank, in another class at our school. Frank and Arthur had become friends and sat with us at dinner time on our first day--- we clicked immediately.
After that first day we had become close friends and hung around with each other every single day, and that’s how it’s been ever since. It was amazing how quickly we became close friends; how easy we found it to confide in each other; how we never ran out of things to talk about. I guess it was just destined to be this way.
I had completely forgotten about Jules by the time dinner had arrived. We sat at our usual table: the one in the corner of the room. Frank and Arthur soon joined us.
Although Frank and Felix were twins, they didn’t look like each other. Felix was tall, black eyed and had dark hair, which was a shocking contrast with his pale skin, whereas Frank was average height and olive skinned and had big doe eyes the colour of honey but he also had black hair.
“Whassup?” Joked Arthur, with a big goofy grin on his face.
I raised an eyebrow. “Nice vocab…”
I sunk my teeth into my sandwich and sighed; I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I started eating.
“So, what you guys been doing?” Asked Frank, between mouthfuls of rice and gravy.
“Not much,” replied Felix, who had finished his lunch and was now lounging back lazily on his chair.
“New kid,” added Louise, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.
“Oho! Fresh meat,” smirked Arthur.
“We’re not going to eat this one,” I laughed.
“Oh, so that’s where Jesse Parker went,” chuckled Felix, “You ate her. Cannibal!”
“I didn’t eat Jesse… too preppy.” I licked my lips. “But I’d like to eat you.”
Felix held his finger in front of my mouth and I snapped my teeth, pretending to bite it. He pulled his finger away mischievously and licked it before winking at me.
“Ooh, you tease,” I giggled.
“So seriously,” continued Louise, “what do you think of the new kid?”
“Pale,” I said.
“Weak,” said Felix.
“Dull,” I added.
“Yeah, he seems a little wet but maybe he’ll be okay once he’s got used to it here…” Louise trailed off.
“Do you like this new kid, Lou?” asked Frank, narrowing his eyes.
“No,” protested Louise, but I could see the blush creeping on her face.
“You do!” exclaimed Frank.
“I don’t--- I just feel a bit sorry for him. He reminds me of us when we first came here.”
We nodded. We all remembered how weak we had felt in comparison to our classmates. Though those days were long gone the memories were still wedged in my mind, like an annoying fly that wouldn’t go away.
I don't have time to respond adequately to your story. However, here are some hints.
You start by talking about Jules, but don't describe hime adequately until after you give a detailed description of Felix.
Laura looks at Jules with "distaste," but you indicate later that he is a "void of nothingness." Disliking someone or something is noticing them, but in a negative way. Do you want to indicate that they denied their distaste?
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
Sorry I haven't more time, but I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.
It seems like you are looking for feedback and tips on improving your short story. Reading through the story, I noticed a few areas where you could make improvements:
1. Introduce Jules McGregor earlier: In the beginning of the story, you mention Jules briefly, but it would be helpful to give a description or some context about him before diving into the description of Felix.
2. Clarify the characters' feelings towards Jules: You mention that Laura looks at Jules with distaste, but later refer to him as a "void of nothingness." It would be helpful to determine if the characters genuinely dislike him or if they are denying their distaste.
3. Check for consistency in character traits: At one point, you describe Jules as ordinary and common, but later mention that he reminds Louise of how they felt when they first came to the school. Consider clarifying his character traits and how the other characters perceive him.
4. Proofread and revise: There are some grammatical errors and typos throughout the story. I suggest proofreading carefully and revising any sentences or phrases that may not flow well or could be improved.
To get feedback and suggestions on your short story, you can reach out to peers, teachers, or other writers for their input. You can also consider joining a writing group or workshop where you can share your work and receive constructive criticism. Additionally, reading books and studying different writing techniques can help you improve your storytelling skills.