english

please help revise
The distribution of power is well represented at the National Assembly, the highest organ of government. Approximately, half of the candidates to the National Assembly are made up of people elected at the municipal level, the other half are representatives of labor, farmers, women, and student organizations (Villagomez 1). The largest single groups, of 173, are leaders of local levels of government, the second largest group of 145, are workers, peasants, cooperative workers, educators, and health-service employees (Prevost 355). Max Azicri, author of Cuba Today and Tomorrow breaks down the 1993 elections, “of the legislators, 75 percent had college education, including eighty-three scientists, forty-eight physicians, four college professors and teachers, eighteen artists, eleven journalist, nine athletes, and ten college students” (Azicri 124). Ten percent were sugar and agricultural workers, 5.24 percent union leaders, 0.43 percent religious leaders, 18.9 percent presidents of popular councils, and 23 percent were women (Azicri 124).

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asked by Crystal
  1. In this post and in your previous post, you're using far too many quotations and paraphrases without adequately explaining how those facts are germane to what you're trying to prove. I always teach students that every reference (quote or paraphrase or whatever) needs to be explained AFTER the citation.

    You've stated:
    "Approximately, half of the candidates to the National Assembly are made up of people elected at the municipal level, the other half are representatives of labor, farmers, women, and student organizations (Villagomez 1). The largest single groups, of 173, are leaders of local levels of government, the second largest group of 145, are workers, peasants, cooperative workers, educators, and health-service employees (Prevost 355)."
    So now ... what do these numbers mean? In what ways are they significant? You need to spell it out and make sure your reader (your teacher) is crystal clear on whatever point you're trying to make. You cannot let OTHER PEOPLE'S IDEAS take the place of your own; they can support your ideas, but cannot BE your ideas.

    The rest of the paragraph is the same -- lots of stats ... without explanation.

  2. The changes I have made below are all located just before a _ sign, which should be removed before you finalize it.

    The distribution of power is well represented at the National Assembly, the highest organ of government. Approximately_ half of the candidates to the National Assembly are made up of people elected at the municipal level;_ the other half are representatives of labor, farmers, women, and student organizations (Villagomez 1). The largest single group,_ consisting_of 173, are leaders of local levels of government;_ the second largest group of 145, are workers, peasants, cooperative workers, educators, and health-service employees (Prevost 355). Max Azicri, author of Cuba Today and Tomorrow,_ breaks down the 1993 elections as follows:_ “Of the legislators, 75 percent had college education, including eighty-three scientists, forty-eight physicians, four college professors and teachers, eighteen artists, eleven journalists_, nine athletes, and ten college students” (Azicri 124). Ten percent were sugar and agricultural workers, 5.24 percent union leaders, 0.43 percent religious leaders, 18.9 percent presidents of popular councils, and 23 percent were women (Azicri 124).

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    posted by drwls
  3. Sorry I was trying to support my argument that the distribution of power is distributed amont different groups in Cuba...
    The distribution of power is well represented at the National Assembly, the highest organ of government. Approximately, half of the candidates to the National Assembly are made up of people elected at the municipal level, the other half are representatives of labor, farmers, women, and student organizations (Villagomez 1).

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    posted by Crystal
  4. I see that, but you still need to add YOUR INTERPRETATION of each of these factual sentences -- or at least at the end of the paragraph to make sure your point is crystal clear.

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