Please critique and let me know how it is and what I can improve. Thank you!
Assignment: Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay: Ease does not do enough to challenge us. Adverse, competitive, and tough circumstances are necessary to help discover who we actually are on the inside. One example that supports this idea is that going into a specialized high school means going into an endless pool of competition and motivation which essentially helps us students discover who we actually are. Also, another example that portrays this idea was can be seen in "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne, where Hester is able to discover her true self through her punishment deemed necessary by society.
One prime example that shows that ease does not challenge us and adversity is needed to help discover who we are is that my brother and I went to and go to respectively, specialized high schools. He went to Stuyvesant and I go to Bronx Science, where the competition is neck to neck, where admission is only given to the cream of the crop. With the intense amount of competition and need to make sure grades are perfect along with extracurricular activities, SAT, and community service., the adverse circumstances help us students discover who we actually are, and who we will shape into in the future. Instead of taking the easy way out and enrolling in a local high school, where we could essentially, easily stand out, we decided to take the challenge upon ourselves and bring out and show our inner capabilities. The neck to neck competition and the understanding that it's a dog eat dog world, it is deemed necessary that harsh, competitive, and adverse circumstances be presented and faced in order to reveal who we actually are on the inside.
In the novel, "The Scarlet Letter", Nathaniel Hawthorne is able to put one of the main characters Hester Prynne in adverse circumstances, with society condemning her, belittling her so much, forcing her to wear the scarlet letter, "A" standing for adultery, essentially her own sin always being a constant reminder to her. Hawthorne brings out a deep and complex personality of Hester's, one that developed over the seven years of bearing the "A" on her bosom. Her personality gradually changed to transforming herself in character due to the adverse and compulsory circumstances thrown at Hester, it would not have challenged her and brought out her real personality and deep character.
the first example is able to portray that indeed making the choice to go to Bronx Science and Stuyvesant and placing ourselves in these circumstances, created and helped discover who we really are, rather than simply not taking up the challenge which essentially gains us no insight on our deep characters. American novelist Nathaniel Hawthorne was able to further support the idea that adverse and tough circumstances do indeed help discover your inner self. It is essentially deemed crucial that adversity, competitiveness, and compulsory situations that help bring out the true personality and characteristics of a person.
YOUR POINTS ARE FINE BUT THE ESSAY CAN DO WITH MORE ORGANIZATION;IT IS TOO "CHOPPY" BECAUSE YOU BOUNCE AROUND FROM ONE THING TO ANOTHER AND THEN BACK AND FORTH.iT IS DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW YOUR THOUGHTS.
I suggest you rearrange the paragraphs by putting all the info of the SCARLET LETTER together, and all the info of your choice of schools together.
There are also grammatical errors:
"it would not have challenged her and brought out her real personality and deep character. " this is an incomplete thought it makes no sense because IT
(Continued from part 1) It didn,t refer back to anything. You also need to explain WHAT CHANGES TOOK PLACE???
Here is another sentence that needs re working "Another example that portrays this idea was can be seen in "The Scarlet Letter" by Nathaniel Hawthorne..." " was can be seen" makes no sense.
You have good ideas just reorganize them.
Good Luck
Thank you.
Overall, your essay has a clear thesis statement and provides examples to support your argument. However, there are a few areas where you can improve:
1. Organization: Ensure that your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea and have a clear transition from one paragraph to the next.
2. Use of evidence: While you provide examples to support your argument, it would be beneficial to provide more specific evidence or examples from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. This would strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
3. Analysis: After providing examples, it's important to analyze and explain how they support your argument. Connect the evidence back to your thesis statement and explain the significance of each example in relation to your point of view.
4. Clarity of expression: Ensure that your ideas are expressed clearly and concisely. Check for any grammatical errors or awkward phrasing that may affect the readability of your essay.
By addressing these areas, you can further strengthen your essay and make your argument more convincing.