Can you please review my revised paragraph? I have been working on this for two weeks. Need help! thanks so much
Your favorite cousin has moved to your town and is looking for a job. Her previous experiences are
working as a cashier and sales clerk at two department stores. You know she plans to apply at similar
stores in your town. But you also know she is a perfect match for a job opening as a reliable assistant
to your boss. You know she has the skills, though she doesn’t think she is as capable as she is, and
you’re sure she’d be good at this job.
Your goal is to persuade your cousin to apply for the job. You e-mail her a paragraph explaining the
specifics of the job and the reasons she should apply. You want to convince her that she has the job
skills required. You’ll use an informal tone, of course, but will take care to use correct business writing
to show her that you take your recommendation seriously
Here is the paragraph, can you please give your opinions?? thanks so very ver much for your help.
Paragraph 2
Hi Jenny,
I am so excited to hear that you are looking for employment here in Summerville! I know you have previously worked as a cashier and sales clerk, but would you consider a change? My boss, Mr. Tom Hartman, the owner of Sunspot Fire and Equipment is looking for an assistant. He is seeking a dependable person that is a self-motivated, team player that has a desire to succeed. The job requires answering phones, data entry, scheduling appointments, typing and filing documents. You certainly have the skills for this position. You communicate with people very well; you are detail-oriented and very organized. I know how dependable, prompt, and honest you are, as well as always open to learn new things. I believe you should apply for this job because you have the skills. I hope you consider applying for this position. It would be great to have you on our team.
Darlene
This reads fine to me.
Here's how you can double-check: Isolate each part of the directions ... so you don't miss anything:
- paragraph of 8-10 sentences
- to cousin
- convince her she has skills (name them)
- to tackle the job of ______ (name it)
- for my boss ______ (make up a name for him/her)
- name 3 or 4 responsibilities of that job that she'd be excellent at doing!
Awesome! Thank you so very much for your help! I do not know what I would have done without your help!
Paragraph 2:
Hi Jenny,
I am so excited to hear that you are looking for employment here in Summerville! I know you have previously worked as a cashier and sales clerk, but would you consider a change?
If you're open to it, I wanted to let you know that my boss, Mr. Tom Hartman, the owner of Sunspot Fire and Equipment, is looking for an assistant. He specifically needs someone who is dependable, self-motivated, and a team player, with a desire to succeed. The role involves answering phones, data entry, scheduling appointments, typing, and filing documents.
I truly believe that you have the skills required for this position. You have always been great at communicating with people, and your attention to detail and organizational skills are exceptional. Not only that, but I know from personal experience how dependable, prompt, and honest you are, and how you're always willing to learn new things.
Considering all these qualities, I think you would be a perfect fit for this job. I genuinely hope you will consider applying for this position. It would be fantastic to have you on our team.
Best regards,
Darlene
This is a great paragraph overall! It effectively conveys the job specifics and persuades your cousin to apply for the position. The informal tone is appropriate for a message to a family member, while still maintaining correct business writing. If you have worked on this for two weeks as you mentioned, it shows your dedication and effort. Well done!