Paragraph 1
Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
HERE IS MY PARAGRAPH:
I’m replying to your career opportunity posted on your website. I understand that you actively seeking to hire a Claims and Billing Coordinator at one of your Kaiser Permanente locations. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory department as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career, also to ensure a stable future for myself and my family. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however I had to decide that as phlebotomist there is not much you can advance. So, after some researching I decided to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree, which led me to taking classes at Penn Foster University. What inspired me to decide on this career was my younger sister who is a Medical Billing & Coding and also how she really loves her job because she has the opportunity to advance in her field. Just to see and know how much she has advance in her job compare to my job has really made a big difference to me and how I see my future. Upon completion, I have gained the knowledge and proficiency in medical billing and collections programs. I also have the ability to multitask, follow through skills, a team-oriented attitude, and work well under pressure. I value your mission and visions to providing a full range of health related services including prevention, wellness, and education. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your patients and insurance companies in a timely manner.
Please read this slowly, word-for-word, aloud. I'm sure you'll catch many of the errors then.
I DID SOME CHANGES, LET ME KNOW HOW I DID
I’m replying to your career opportunity posted on your website. I understand that you actively seeking to hire a Claims and Billing Coordinator at one of your Kaiser Permanente locations. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory department as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however as phlebotomist there is not much you can advance. So, after some research I decided to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree, which led me to taking classes at Penn Foster University. What made me decide on this career was my younger sister who is a Medical Billing & Coding and also how she really loves her job because she has the opportunity to advance in her field. Just to know how much she has advance in her position compare to my job has really made a big difference to me and how I see my future. I want a career were I can use the knowledge and proficiency I have gained in the medical billing and collections programs. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your patients and insurance companies in a timely manner.
ON THE SECOND PARAGRAPH I SENT YOU I FOUND SOME MISTAKE SO I'M SENDING A THIRD ONE AND IT MAYBE THE FINAL ONE, I HOPE :)
I’ am applying for the Claims and Billing Coordinator position at Kaiser Permanente. I have been employed with Kaiser Permanente for eight years and work in the laboratory as a phlebotomist. I' am looking for a new opportunity to advance my career. The Health Care industry has always been a dream of mine to pursue, however as a phlebotomist there is not much you can advance in this field. So, after some research I decided to pursue a degree in the Medical Billing & Coding profession. What made me decide on this career is my younger sister who works as a Claims Specialist has always encouraged me to pursue a degree in Medical Billing & Coding program. She knew that this was the right career for me because I would always ask her questions regarding her position and her duties as a Claim Specialist. What caught my attention more was how much she has advance in her position, compare to my job. That’s what made me look at my future in a whole different way. I want a career that offers me the opportunity to advance and were I can also use the knowledge and proficiency I have gained in the medical billing and collections programs. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator within your company, I am confident that I could make a valuable contribution to the medical team serving your members and insurance companies in a timely manner.
Your paragraph effectively communicates your experience and motivation for applying for the Claims and Billing Coordinator position. It shows that you have carefully thought about your career choice and have taken steps to advance your skills in the healthcare industry.
To improve the paragraph, you can consider making a few adjustments to enhance the professionalism and clarity of the writing.
Revised Paragraph:
I am writing in response to the career opportunity posted on your website seeking a Claims and Billing Coordinator at one of your Kaiser Permanente locations. With eight years of experience as a phlebotomist in the laboratory department at Kaiser Permanente, I am now seeking a new opportunity to advance my career and provide a stable future for myself and my family. The healthcare industry has always been a passion of mine, but as a phlebotomist, I realized that there were limited opportunities for growth. After conducting thorough research, I made the decision to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree and enrolled in classes at Penn Foster University. My inspiration for this career path came from my younger sister, who is already a successful Medical Billing & Coding professional. Seeing her advancement and genuine love for her job has had a profound impact on me and has given me a clear vision for my own future. Throughout my studies, I have gained knowledge and proficiency in medical billing and collections programs. I am skilled in multitasking, detail-oriented follow-through, and possess a team-oriented attitude, allowing me to work effectively under pressure. I deeply admire your company's mission and commitment to providing comprehensive health services, including prevention, wellness, and education. As a Claims and Billing Coordinator, I am confident that I can contribute significantly to your medical team, efficiently serving patients and insurance companies alike.
Explanation:
1. Begin by expressing your interest in response to the specific career opportunity.
2. Mention your current experience and employment at Kaiser Permanente, highlighting your desire for career advancement and stability.
3. Clearly state your passion for the healthcare industry and the limitations you faced as a phlebotomist.
4. Discuss your decision to pursue a Medical Billing & Coding degree, including where you are currently studying.
5. Explain that your inspiration came from your sister and emphasize her success and enjoyment in the field.
6. Highlight the skills and qualities you have developed through your studies, making it relevant to the Claims and Billing Coordinator position.
7. Express your admiration for the company's mission and align it with your own goals.
8. Conclude by stating your confidence in your ability to make valuable contributions to the medical team.