Could you review this small memoir I did for english class? Please check if there are any grammar mistakes! Also, if there is any way I could fit in more detail, feel free to share where and how i should! Thank you SO Much. Also, I need a title!
By Bryce
You’re grounded! A dad yells to his rebellious son. The son grows furious, constantly wishing he could move out already. He keeps thinking of how dumb and pathetic his parents are, but what if one day they’re suddenly gone? You never realize how special someone is until you don’t have them at all. When my mother passed away, I suddenly realized how much of an impact she made on my life, and how much I really needed her.
It was a chilly, windy September day. The air was crisp, and the sun was covered by the dark grey clouds. Fall had just begun and fresh colorful leaves had fallen to the ground. Bright orange pumpkins sat outside on my mom’s worn out front porch. My mother’s mom, my grandmother, lived right next door. I had just come back from visiting my grandma. As I was walking back, my grandmother’s dogs followed. The sound of the leaves crunching under their feet was calming. As I started up the old rickety steps on my mom’s porch, I was overcome with a strange feeling.
I approached the door. The feeling was even greater. It’s like my mind knew something wasn’t right, like it was trying to tell me something. I reached for the door knob and slowly opened the door. As I entered, I saw my mother passed out on the couch. The Big Red she was drinking was spilled everywhere, staining the floor and her couch blood red. I panicked, and ran out to get my grandma. I ran until I couldn’t breathe. I ran faster than a jaguar chasing its prey. As soon as I found my grandma, she called the hospital, and started panicking as well.
When the ambulance arrived, it had started storming. The smell of the rain was powerful, and it really helped calm me down. They told us she would be alright, but that they were taking her in for the night due to an accidental overdose on her sleeping medication. They took her out on a stretcher. The rain poured down even harder, pounding on the poor nurses helping load my mother into the large ambulance. They turned on their sirens and lights and headed out into the storm.
The next day she was released. The hospital had pronounced it accidental overdose and released her as soon as they could. A sense of comfort came back to me when I found out she would be alright. They had to pump her stomach to rid of all the excess pills she had taken unconsciously. She had apologized multiple times, and felt so bad that I had to find her in that state. She promised never to allow something like that to happen ever again. She didn’t keep her promise.
A few weeks later, in the middle of September, I was coming back from visiting my grandma again. The dogs didn’t follow, and all I could hear was the sound of the leaves crunching under my feet. Before I had even reached the old porch, the same feeling hit me. This time, it hit me much harder. My stomach felt as if I was going to puke. My head was dizzy, and my heart started racing. I walked up the steps, and turned the door knob. It was locked. Panicking, I ran back over to my grandmothers. Trying to catch my breath and explain what was happening at the same time was a task I had never done before.
Frantically trying to tell her to hurry over there, she told me to calm down and stay here. She grabbed a rusted spare key and started out the door. Time had seemed like it had stopped. It had never gone by slower. I started to worry about what was taking so long. Soon enough, I heard those familiar sirens once again. In fear I would see a sight I didn’t want to see, I kept on watching TV until my grandmother came back. She simply told me my mother had fainted and she would be well again soon. She also told me, my other grandparents were on the way to pick me up.
It shocked me when she told me my other grandparents were coming to pick me up. They both never got along very well, and avoided each other as much as possible. As I got in the car with my other grandparents, they had looked like they had seen a ghost. Not saying much, I slowly sat down in the back of their new car. On the long ride back to their house, they had not said anything besides asking me how my week at school went. When we finally arrived at their house, my dad was sitting on the couch with my step mom. He had a look in his eyes that I wasn’t used to, and that same feeling came back.
My father had me sit down next to him. He had told me calmly, that my mother wouldn’t be coming back, and that she had passed away from suicide via prescribed pills. My stomach dropped. I refused to believe what I heard. My whole world stopped, and my eyes teared up faster than they ever had before. I just wanted to hit something. I wanted to get payback on the world for what it did to me. It took away the only mom I will ever have, and I wasn’t even an adult.
She won’t be able to watch me grow up. She won’t be able to be there when my kids are born. She won’t be able to be a grandma to my kids. And the biggest of them all, she won’t be able to be my mom again. The grief I had dealt with was the most powerful feeling I’ve ever dealt with. Two days after her passing was her visitation and funeral service. I had worn my best tux and shoes, and was given multiple gifts by her friends and my family to help me through this awful time.
One by one people of all ages stood up to talk about the impact my mother had made on their lives. Most of them started crying, and couldn’t finish. This made me realize, that I never really realized how valuable she was to me. I never realized how much of an impact she made not only on my life, but on others as well. I never realized that one day she would be gone and I wouldn’t be able to say sorry for treating her wrong, or giving her a hard time. I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
If I could change one thing, it would be able to go back in time to tell her how much I loved her. I loved her so much I don’t even think love would be the correct term to use anymore. I think if I would have done so, she might have rethought taking her own life. I still blame myself to this day for her passing, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Whenever your parents give you a hard time, or you get an argument, remember that they are doing so because they love you. Tell them on a daily basis how much they mean to you, and how much you appreciate them. Treat them as best as you can, and always remember, you never realize how special someone is until you don’t have them at all.
Title suggestion: "A Lesson in Appreciation: The Impact of Loss"
Review:
The memoir effectively captures the emotions and experiences of the author, depicting the sudden realization of the impact of losing a loved one. The use of vivid descriptions sets the atmosphere and immerses the reader in the story.
Grammar check:
- In the second sentence, consider adding a comma after "Son" to separate it from the dialogue tag.
- In the third paragraph, consider replacing "it's" with "its" to show possession (the mind's).
- In the fourth paragraph, consider replacing "dehy" with "they" in the sentence "As soon as they found my grandma..."
- In the fifth paragraph, consider replacing "I started to worry about" with "Worrying about" to maintain parallel structure with the previous sentence.
Sentence restructuring:
- Consider breaking the third paragraph into shorter sentences to improve flow and clarity.
- Consider breaking the long sentence in the fourth paragraph into two or three smaller sentences for better readability.
Adding more detail:
To enhance the memoir and provide more depth, you could consider adding specific memories or anecdotes about your mother that highlight the impact she had on your life. For example, you could share a small moment or a characteristic of your mother's that you now cherish. This will further emphasize the theme of appreciating loved ones while they are still present.
Overall, the memoir conveys a powerful message about the importance of expressing love and gratitude to our parents.