I come back... and bring an new college application essay, please help me to revise the new one(the first one), and more important... to compare which one is better for my college application.
If you are not good at writing, it doesn't matter, just tell me your opinions.
Thank you so much. =)
Question:At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community? (2-3 page double space)
1.
6:45 pm, after I said the last ¡°goodbye¡± to my mother, I walked into airport lounge.
7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. From this minute, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years.
To compare and revise your two college application essays, it would be helpful if you could provide the second essay as well. However, I can still provide some guidance and feedback based on the first few lines of your essay.
In terms of the content, the first paragraph of your essay seems to be setting the stage for a significant life change and departure from your home. This can be a compelling and personal topic to explore. You might want to focus on how this experience impacted your perspective and growth rather than just describing the sequence of events.
To enhance your essay, consider the following suggestions:
1. Introduction: Try to create a strong and engaging opening that grabs the reader's attention. Instead of stating the time and location, you could start with a captivating anecdote or reflect on your emotions during that moment.
2. Reflect on the significance: Rather than just stating that you left your home, delve into why it was a significant experience for you. How did it shape your identity, values, or aspirations? Discuss the challenges, fears, or excitement you experienced during this transition.
3. Connect with University of Maryland's values: Discuss how your diverse background and life experiences align with the values of the University of Maryland. Elaborate on specific ways in which your unique perspective can contribute to the university's community and enhance its diversity.
4. Structure and organization: Ensure that your essay has a clear structure, with logical transitions between paragraphs. Consider organizing your essay thematically, highlighting different aspects of your background and how they contribute to your overall identity.
5. Use descriptive language: Paint a vivid picture for the reader by incorporating descriptive details and sensory language. This will help create a more engaging and memorable essay.
In terms of comparing your two essays, it would be easier to provide a comparison if you can share both versions. However, when evaluating which essay is better, consider the essay that effectively reflects your experiences, demonstrates your ability to articulate your thoughts, and clearly connects with the University of Maryland's values and goals.
Remember to proofread your essay for grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. It might also be helpful to share your essays with someone you trust, such as a teacher or a mentor, to get their feedback and suggestions.
Good luck with your college application!