Compare two college essays, everyone please come!!

I come back... and bring an new college application essay, please help me to revise the new one(the first one), and more important... to compare which one is better for my college application.
If you are not good at writing, it doesn't matter, just tell me your opinions.
Thank you so much. =)

Question:At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community? (2-3 page double space)

1.
6:45 pm, after I said the last ¡°goodbye¡± to my mother, I walked into airport lounge.
7:00 pm, the KE968 flight took off. From this minute, I left the place I had lived for seventeen years.

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asked by Jenni

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