Here is my store for my writing assignment. Please tell me if it is good and the errors I made on it. I really need to pass this.
It was a cold wintery day in Europe where I lived. I had a family of four. My mom, dad, and sister. My sister, Elizabeth, and I did everything together. She was like a bestfriend in my eyes. My mom and dad sort of kept quiet about everything as if they were always nervous about something. I would always ask if something was wrong but they would simply smile and say, "no hunny, go and play with your sister." It was really quiet in the place I lived. You never really seen anyone walking around or nothing. I was only 8 years old so I could not quiet figure this out. Mother told me that not many people lived where we did so I guess that is why I never seen many people. The house I lived in was very small and only had 1 window in it. The floors were creeky and there was holes in some places. We did not have a big yard to play in so we had to stay in side most of the day. Sometimes when my father would leave to go get us food, mother would get very upset and not want him to leave. She would beg him not to go as if she was scared to stay home by herself with us. I never asked her why she would do this because I knew exactly what the answer would be; "Nothing honey, go play with your sister."
It was January of 1942, when I awoke by a loud knock on the door. I did not know who it could be because we never had any visitors. I woke Elizabeth up immediatly and asked her if we should go get mother and father. After a few minutes we heard talking at the door. It sounded like 3 or 4 men. As we came out of the bedroom, mother and father was at the door talking to these 3 very tall gentlemen wearing green suits and hats. They looked very serious and there was a car sitting out in front of our house. As soon as mother saw us coming out of the room, she ran and gave us both a hug as she cried. Me and Elizabeth looked at eachother with a puzzled look on our faces, as we did not understand what was going on and why these men were standing at our front door. One of the men grabbed father, the other grabbed mother, and the last one grabbed me and Elizabeth. They took us out to the strange looking car and threw us in the back where we found others that were getting took to the same place as we were. Nearly everyone back there was breaking into tears but me. Did they know something I didn't? I hugged my sister as I watched the men carry our bags out to the car and throw them inside. The men started driving down the road with us in the back for what seemed like hours. It was so hot I could barely breathe and we all had not ate the whole time we had been back there. Mother looked at us and said, "It will be alright." Soon after that we came to a stop.
The men opened up the back doors and pulled us all out one by one. As they were throwing us out, I caught a glimpse of a sign that read "Auschwitz." I was still very confused about what was going on and why these men were so mad at us. The camp looked empty and incredibley nasty in my eyes. As they led us to the door, I held the hands of my family as we were all frightened with fear of what was about to happen. They opened the door and shoved us in and that is when I felt the tears coming to my eyes. They took mother and Elizabeth and started taking them a different way than they were taking us. I could hear Elizabeth crying and calling my name even farther and farther down the hall they went. Two of the men took us into this one room where there were thousands of suitcases, clothes, and shoes. The clothes looked like they had been sitting there for years. They then led us down the hall as I wandered why all them clothes and shoes were in that room like that. As they opened the next door they wanted us to see inside, I found the answer to my question. There was thousands of bodies piled one on top of the other. I could not stand it any longer, I busted into tears. They wanted us to know what they did to us innocent people who did nothing wrong. I could not stop thinking about my mother and sister and where those men may of took them. The later events that followed were way to crazy and graphic for me to tell.
Auschwitz was the worst place anyone could ever experience, and you were lucky if you did not have to get sent there. For the 10 long months that I was there, I felt pain every single day. Not a day past that I was not getting hit, beaten, and starved. I later had to watch my dad get put in the Crematorium, where he was burned alive. As for my mother and sister, I never saw them again. I figure they got put in the gas chambers right when we got there. My life has changed tremendously since then. I have learnt not to take things for granted because you really do not know what having a bad life feels like till you experience Auschwitz, the Death Camp.
Check for fragments and run-ons ... and fix them.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm
and
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm
Rephrase to get rid of all instances of "you" and any of its forms.
Everything else is fine.
Your story has a strong emotional impact and effectively portrays the horrors of Auschwitz during World War II. However, there are a few errors and areas that can be improved. Here are some suggestions:
1. Proofreading: There are several grammatical errors throughout the story that can be corrected with proofreading. For example, "It was really quiet in the place I lived" should be "It was really quiet in the place where I lived." Proofreading can help to identify and correct these errors.
2. Sentence structure: Some sentences could be restructured or revised to improve clarity and flow. For instance, "They took us out to the strange-looking car and threw us in the back where we found others that were getting took to the same place as we were" can be revised to "They took us out to the strange-looking car and threw us in the back with others who were being taken to the same place."
3. Show, don't tell: Instead of telling the reader that Auschwitz was the worst place anyone could experience, try to show the conditions and experiences of the characters in more detail. This can further engage the reader and create a stronger emotional connection.
4. Descriptive language: Incorporate more descriptive language to paint a vivid picture of the surroundings, emotions, and experiences. For example, instead of saying the camp looked "empty and incredibly nasty," consider using sensory details to describe the filthy conditions, cramped quarters, and the overwhelming smell that prisoners might have experienced.
5. Focus on specific details: Instead of summarizing the later events as "crazy and graphic," consider selecting one or two specific events that had a significant impact on the narrator's experience and describe them in more detail. This can help to bring a personal perspective to the story.
6. Conclusion: Instead of ending abruptly after describing the experiences in Auschwitz, consider including a reflection or insight about the narrator's life afterward. How has this experience shaped them? What lessons have they learned?
Remember to revise and edit your story to improve its overall structure, language, and flow. It's important to approach this subject with sensitivity and accuracy, keeping in mind the historical context and the impact of the events on real people.