College Essay

I edited it from your suggestions is there anything else I could change or add?

The smell of exhaust from multiple cars combined with dirt and dust fluttering in the air is my lasting impression of Canton, China. The vivid image frequently reminds me of where my origins came from and how far I have come. The American dream means a tremendous amount to many who dream of enduring a long yet rewarding voyage to the land where dreams come true. For that reason my parents immigrated to America to pursue greater opportunities, that isn’t offered anywhere else.

Traveling in the afternoon in our red Honda Accord, I was gazing at the trees whizzing by transforming into a blur, as we tried to reach our destination in Virginia. My mother began talking of a moment she had once experienced while the radio was turned down to a whisper. She became motivated to convey to my brother and me the importance of an education. My mother spoke about how she and my father have worked many difficult and arduous hours in order to assure a better lifestyle for my brother and me, while reiterating the importance aspects of her speech to be sure that we heard her. She began to illustrate the purpose behind this lecture. I finally realized at age eleven that my mother was declined an opportunity for a high school education because of her age when she arrived in Denver, Colorado, which is where my mother resided after arriving in America. She was devastated that she couldn’t go to school like the rest of her siblings, as they went off to a school were they would learn English. Since her youth in Colorado my mother has learned to comprehend and speak English. I am satisfied that she was able to overcome a major disadvantage.

From that moment on I have an extra incentive to challenge myself and realize the importance of an adequate education. I am obligated from my conscience to succeed and make my parents proud of my accomplishments. There is nothing more joyous than seeing the ones who raised you realize that their hard work has paid off. It has become my duty to bring them joy, especially through their hardship of assuring that my brother and I have a better childhood than the ones they experienced. My inspiration comes from my mother who has provided me with motivation that I would never experience if the epiphany in the car on a late afternoon didn’t occur.


The smell of exhaust from multiple cars combined with dirt and dust fluttering in the air is my lasting impression of Canton, China. The vivid image frequently reminds me of where my origins came from<~~delete “where” and “came from” and how far I have come. The American dream means a tremendous amount to many who dream<~~Can you think of a different word? Having the word “dream” in this sentence twice sounds odd. of enduring a long yet rewarding voyage to the land where dreams come true. For that reason my parents immigrated to America to pursue greater opportunities, that isn’t<~~delete comma and change “isn’t” to “aren’t: offered anywhere else.

Traveling in the afternoon in our red Honda Accord, I was gazing at the trees whizzing by transforming into a blur, as we tried to reach our destination in Virginia. My mother began talking of a moment she had once experienced while the radio was turned down to a whisper.Move “while … whisper” to the beginning of the sentence; otherwise it reads as if she experienced this while the radio was turned down … and I’m sure that’s not what you mean. She became motivated to convey to my brother and me the importance of an education. My mother spoke about how she and my father have worked many difficult and arduous hours in order to assure a better lifestyle for my brother and me, while reiterating the importance aspects of her speech to be sure that we heard her. She began to illustrate the purpose behind this lecture. I finally realized at age eleven that my mother was declined<~~”declined”? or “denied”? an opportunity for a high school education because of her age when she arrived in Denver, Colorado, where she resided after arriving in America. She was devastated that she couldn’t go to school like the rest of her siblings who went off to a school were they would learn English. Since her youth in Colorado<~~add comma my mother has learned to comprehend and speak English. I am satisfied<~~”convinced” is probably a better word than “satisfied that she was able to overcome a major disadvantage.

From that moment on<~~add comma I have had extra incentive to challenge myself and make sure I acquire a better than adequate education. I am obligated from<~~should be “by” my conscience to succeed and make my parents proud of my accomplishments. There is nothing more joyous than seeing the ones who raised you realize that their hard work has paid off. It has become my duty to bring them joy, especially through<~~”because of” would be better here their hardship of assuring that my brother and I have a better childhood than the ones they experienced. My inspiration comes from my mother who has provided me with motivation that I would never have experienced if the epiphany in the car on a late afternoon hadn’t occurred.

=)

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