Here is what I changed ...Working on my next one will post soon.......
March 21, 2012
Jeremy Dittmer
Employee Relations Specialist
Wydade Consulting Services
1918 Church St.
Burlington, VT 05672-0752
RE: Trainer request for hospital seminar
Dear Mr. Dittmer:
I am writing to you today to request a trainer for our seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace for twenty of our office supervisors. Our company would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for Wydade’s reliable support in offering most of Broadworth’s training needs for the past 20 years.
We would like the seminar to be held on the 14th of September 2012 at 10 am. The seminar is to be two hours long with a 15-minute break that will provide refreshments. It will be held in our conference room on the first floor in room 105. The topics I would need to be covered for this seminar are ways to prevent, cope and report such harassment. At your convenience could you please send me a list of resources the trainer will need in order to make this seminar a success. I would also need to know what our supervisors should bring along with them to the seminar.
If you have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at 802-585-8668.
Sincerely,
Shawna Parker
Shawna Parker
Administrative Assitant
SP
"with a 15-minute break that will provide refreshments." -- please rephrase! I doubt the break will be providing refreshments!
"The topics I would need to be covered"
It would be better to say this: The topics we need to be covered ...
"ways to prevent, cope and report such harassment"
A word and a comma are missing. Do you see what needs fixing?
There are other places that need commas, too. Can you find them?
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm
In the book it says refreshments are provided that is why I wrote that. and I see how we is better than I but i don't get what word or comma is missing. Gonna post my memorandum as well for you to check out. And will correct what you said.
"ways to prevent, cope and report such harassment"
A word and a comma are missing.
Here's how it should read:
ways to prevent, cope with, and report such harassment ...
When you read that aloud, do you hear it?
It seems like you made changes to a letter requesting a trainer for a seminar on sexual harassment and unlawful discrimination in the workplace. However, it appears that you may have misspelled "Assistant" as "Assitant" at the end of your name.
If you have any specific questions or need further assistance, please let me know!