College Essay

Are there any grammar errors or any other errors I should fix? And is there anything I should edit? Also are my paragraphs organized correctly?

The smell of exhaust combined with dirt and dust fluttering in the air from multiple cars is my first encounter with Canton, China. The vivid image frequently reminds me of where my origins came from and how far I have come. The American dream means a tremendous amount to many who dream of enduring a long yet rewarding voyage to the land where dreams come true. For that reason my parents immigrated to America to pursue greater opportunities, that isn’t offered anywhere else.

My first remembrance of the importance of an adequate education came from my mother. Realizing where my ancestors came from I never truly understood the hardships of living in a communist country. I have learned from a young age, as I got ready to doze off on my twin bed underneath my soft cotton cover that my mother emigrated with her widow father and her four siblings from China. I never realized why she would constantly reminding my brother and I to study again after finishing our homework, which at the time I thought was from her motherly instinct. When I was eleven years old, I realized the answer to the question I have been pondering since I was in my bed dozing off.

Traveling in the afternoon in our red Honda Accord, I was gazing at the trees whizzing by transforming into a blur, as we tried to reach our destination. My mother began talking from at the time an unknown experience, she was motivated to convey to my brother and I the importance of an education. She spoke about how my parents have worked many difficult and arduous hours in order to assure a better lifestyle for my brother and me, while reiterating the importance aspects of her speech to be sure that we heard her. She went on to talk more about the reasoning behind this lecture. I finally realized that my mother was declined an opportunity for a high school education because of her age when she arrived in Denver, Colorado, which is where my mother resided after arriving in America. She was devastated that she couldn’t go to school like the rest of her siblings, as they went off to a school were they would learn English. I realized that my father unlike my mother had a chance to go to school in America as a result of his journey across the seas at a young age. Consequentially my mother talks more about education than my father because of her resentment of not getting an education.

From that moment on I have an extra incentive to challenge myself and realize the importance of an adequate education. I am obligated from my conscience to succeed and make my parents proud of my accomplishments. There is nothing as joyous then seeing the ones who raised you realize that their hard work has paid off. It has become my duty to bring them joy, especially through their hardship of assuring that my brother and I have a better childhood than the ones they experienced. My inspiration comes from my mother who has provided me with motivation that I would never experience if the epiphany in the car on a late afternoon didn’t occur.


The smell of exhaust from multiple cars combined with dirt and dust fluttering in the air is my lasting impression of Canton, China. The vivid memory frequently reminds me of my origins and how far I have come. America means a tremendous amount to many who dream of enduring a long yet rewarding voyage to the land where dreams come true. For that reason my parents immigrated to America to pursue the greater opportunities that aren't offered anywhere else.
( The second paragraph doesn't relate to anything in the first paragraph or to your topic sentence.)

My first remembrance of the importance of an adequate education came from my mother. Realizing where my ancestors came from I never truly understood the hardships of living in a communist country. I have learned from a young age, as I got ready to doze off on my twin bed underneath my soft cotton cover that my mother emigrated with her widow father and her four siblings from China. I never realized why she would constantly reminding my brother and I to study again after finishing our homework, which at the time I thought was from her motherly instinct. When I was eleven years old, I realized the answer to the question I have been pondering since I was in my bed dozing off.

Traveling in the afternoon in our red Honda Accord, I was gazing at the trees whizzing by transforming into a blur, as we tried to reach our destination. My mother began talking from at the time an unknown experience, she was motivated to convey to my brother and I the importance of an education. She spoke about how my parents have worked many difficult and arduous hours in order to assure a better lifestyle for my brother and me, while reiterating the importance aspects of her speech to be sure that we heard her. She went on to talk more about the reasoning behind this lecture. I finally realized that my mother was declined an opportunity for a high school education because of her age when she arrived in Denver, Colorado, which is where my mother resided after arriving in America. She was devastated that she couldn’t go to school like the rest of her siblings, as they went off to a school were they would learn English. I realized that my father unlike my mother had a chance to go to school in America as a result of his journey across the seas at a young age. Consequentially my mother talks more about education than my father because of her resentment of not getting an education.

(The above paragraph has the whole purpose of your essay... your mother's sorrow over not being able to have an education gave her the reason to motivate you and your brother to succeed in school. You are using too many words and as a result are not getting your point across. Were you in Canton when your mother told this story? Suggestion - after writing a paragraph, read it backward out loud, sentence by sentence to see if each idea relates to the one before it. )


From that moment on I have an extra incentive to challenge myself and realize the importance of an adequate education. I am obligated from my conscience to succeed and make my parents proud of my accomplishments. There is nothing as joyous then seeing the ones who raised you realize that their hard work has paid off. It has become my duty to bring them joy, especially through their hardship of assuring that my brother and I have a better childhood than the ones they experienced. My inspiration comes from my mother who has provided me with motivation that I would never experience if the epiphany in the car on a late afternoon didn’t occur.

Please work on your essay and repost. We will be happy to work more on this with you.


I edited it from your suggestions is there anything else I could change or add?

The smell of exhaust from multiple cars combined with dirt and dust fluttering in the air is my lasting impression of Canton, China. The vivid image frequently reminds me of where my origins came from and how far I have come. The American dream means a tremendous amount to many who dream of enduring a long yet rewarding voyage to the land where dreams come true. For that reason my parents immigrated to America to pursue greater opportunities, that isn’t offered anywhere else.

Traveling in the afternoon in our red Honda Accord, I was gazing at the trees whizzing by transforming into a blur, as we tried to reach our destination in Virginia. My mother began talking of a moment she had experienced with the radio turned down into a whisper. She was motivated to convey to my brother and me the importance of an education. She spoke about how my parents have worked many difficult and arduous hours in order to assure a better lifestyle for my brother and me, while reiterating the importance aspects of her speech to be sure that we heard her. She began to illustrate the purpose behind this lecture. I finally realized that at age eleven my mother was declined an opportunity for a high school education because of her age when she arrived in Denver, Colorado, which is where my mother resided after arriving in America. She was devastated that she couldn’t go to school like the rest of her siblings, as they went off to a school were they would learn English. Since her youth in Colorado my mother has learned to comprehend and speak English. I am satisfied that she was able to overcome a major disadvantage.

From that moment on I have an extra incentive to challenge myself and realize the importance of an adequate education. I am obligated from my conscience to succeed and make my parents proud of my accomplishments. There is nothing more joyous than seeing the ones who raised you realize that their hard work has paid off. It has become my duty to bring them joy, especially through their hardship of assuring that my brother and I have a better childhood than the ones they experienced. My inspiration comes from my mother who has provided me with motivation that I would never experience if the epiphany in the car on a late afternoon didn’t occur.

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