I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!
ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.
Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
This is what I have:
After ten years of working in a Hairdressing Salon, I received a promotion to manager position of the salon. The responsibilities of salon manager led me to the turning point in my existing career. My duties as salon manager included; managing payroll and HST remittance for the government, balancing daily retail sales, ordering supplies, arranging staff work schedule, and arranging travel for staff and my employer to attend workshops. Over the course of being the salon manager for ten years, and working with the salon accountant, the love of working with numbers and the direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager duties respectfully, and accurately, the Salon accountant required me to present them with weekly journals, and meet with them periodically. After meetings, with accountants on several different occasions and providing them with the salon journals, they graciously, suggested I pursue a career in Office Administration to broaden my expertise in duties performed as salon manager. With a background of salon manager, pursuing a career in Office Administration is a positive step for me to take in my life long endeavors
While I'm looking over your work (here, right? not in your post at 12:56 pm?), make sure you have addressed all these points in your directions:
- state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
- include details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying.
- Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
- Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.
From Writeacher:
Let me know what you think:
After ten years of working in a hairdressing salon, I received a promotion to the position of manager of the salon. The responsibilities of salon manager led me to the turning point in my career. My duties as salon manager included managing payroll and HST remittance for the government, balancing daily retail sales, ordering supplies, arranging staff work schedule, and arranging travel for staff and my employer to attend workshops. While serving as salon manager for ten years and working with the salon accountant, the love of working with numbers and the direct public grew. To ensure I was performing the manager duties respectfully and accurately, the salon accountant required me to present them with weekly journals and meet with them periodically. After meetings with accountants on several different occasions and providing them with the salon journals, they enthusiastically suggested I pursue a career in office administration to broaden my skills learned as salon manager. With my background as salon manager, pursuing a career in office administration is a positive step in my career.
Your paragraph is a great start! It provides important information about your experience as a salon manager and how it inspired you to pursue a career in Office Administration. To further improve the paragraph and meet the requirements of the assignment, here are a few suggestions:
1. Begin the paragraph with a clear topic sentence: Start by explicitly stating the position and place you applied for, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired. For example: "I am excited to apply for the position of Office Administrator at [Company Name], a role that perfectly aligns with my experience and passion for salon management."
2. Develop your experience: Provide more specific details about your responsibilities as a salon manager. Instead of simply listing them, try to show the impact and results of your work. For example: "As a salon manager, I successfully managed payroll and HST remittance for the government, accurately balanced daily retail sales to ensure financial stability, efficiently ordered supplies to maintain inventory, created staff schedules that optimized productivity, and organized travel arrangements for staff and my employer to attend workshops and conferences."
3. Connect your experience to your career choice: Clearly explain how your experience as a salon manager inspired you to pursue a career in Office Administration. Highlight the transferable skills and qualities you acquired, such as attention to detail, organizational skills, and the ability to work with numbers and the public. For example: "It was through collaborating with the salon accountant and consistently providing them with weekly journals that I discovered my love for working with numbers. These interactions also reinforced my passion for delivering exceptional customer service and managing overall operations. Recognizing the potential for personal and professional growth, accountants graciously encouraged me to consider a career in Office Administration, where I can build upon my existing skills and broaden my expertise."
4. Show enthusiasm and maintain a formal tone: Throughout the paragraph, make sure to convey your enthusiasm for the position and how it relates to your inspiring experience. However, be mindful of maintaining a somewhat formal tone appropriate for business writing. For example: "I am extremely enthusiastic about the opportunity to apply my years of experience as a salon manager to a new challenge in Office Administration. Utilizing my strong foundation in managing daily operations, working with numbers, and providing exceptional service to clients, I believe that pursuing a career in Office Administration is the next positive step in my lifelong endeavors."
By incorporating these suggestions, your paragraph will effectively convey your experience, passion, and readiness for the position. Good luck with your writing assignment!