I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

This is what I wrote

During my current career as Hairdresser ( for 28 years), I was deeply inspired by the salon accountant to pursue a career in Office Adminsitration. My employer promoted me to manager position of the salon, which in turn gave me duties that lead me to a turning point in my existing career. To ensure I was performing the manager duties respectfully, and accurately.The Salon accountant required me to present them with weekly journals , and meet with them periodically. After meeting with the accountants on several different occasions and providing them with the salon journals, they suggested I pursue a career in Office Administration to broaden my expertise . Salon Manager, respectfully, lead me to my career of Office Administration.

That's a good start. Don't change anything yet.

Go back over the directions and make sure you have addressed EVERYTHING there.

Let me know what you think.

Also remember that fully developed paragraphs should be 8-10 sentences long, and there should be NO fragments or run-ons.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm

Writeacher i have added to the centre section of this paragraph, will repost when I get it typed up,

Your paragraph contains some good elements, but there are a few areas where you can make improvements. Here's a revised version that addresses those areas:

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During my 28-year career as a hairdresser, I had the incredible opportunity to work closely with the salon accountant. This experience became a turning point for me, inspiring me to pursue a career in office administration. When I was promoted to the position of salon manager, I took on additional responsibilities that allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of the business side of the salon. One of these responsibilities was preparing weekly journals and meeting with the accountants regularly to discuss financial matters. These interactions opened my eyes to the world of office administration and made me realize the importance of accurate record-keeping and financial management.

As I continued to meet with the accountants and provide them with the salon journals, they recognized my dedication and suggested that I consider a career in office administration to further develop my expertise. Their encouragement and guidance not only showed their confidence in my abilities but also emphasized the value of my skills in this field. With their support, I made the decision to transition from being a salon manager to pursuing a career in office administration.

This inspiring experience has motivated me to apply for this specific position in your organization. It has given me a clear sense of purpose and a deep understanding of the importance of efficient office operations. I am confident that my background in hairdressing, combined with my newfound passion for office administration, make me a strong candidate for this position.

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In this revised version, you have provided a clear introductory sentence stating your current career as a hairdresser and your inspiration from the salon accountant. The paragraph then goes on to explain your promotion to salon manager and how that led to your interest in office administration. You have also included specific details about presenting weekly journals and meeting with the accountants to illustrate your experience.

Additionally, the revised paragraph maintains a consistent formal tone throughout and shows enthusiasm for the position you are applying for. It also incorporates concrete words and transitions to create a logical flow. With these improvements, your paragraph effectively addresses the requirements of the assignment and conveys your motivation and enthusiasm to your potential employer.