English

I have written a persuasive paragraph on the topic of "Knowledge is Power" Please correct the paragraph.

"Knowledge is Power" is an idealistic statement and there are three points to prove this. Firstly, when you have knowledge, you can get excellent opportunities for jobs. The world always respects people that have more knowledge because they have the power of knowledge in their hands. Secondly, knowledge can bring you lots of fortune. For example, Abdul Kalam, the president of India was poor but won his ranks to president but of his valuable education. Lastly, knowledge can help you win great prizes. For example, Can West Can Spell is an educational spelling program that awards spellers great prizes and money. If you have the power of knowledge, you can easily win that contest. To conclude, knowledge is valuable in every way, hence I call it, "Knowledge is Power"

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  1. I'm separating the segments of your paragraph on purpose, but you'll put it back together later.

    "Knowledge is Power" is an idealistic statement and there are three points to prove this. The first part of this sentence is fine, but the second part is too blatant. You might write, "... which can be shown in different ways." No need to use the number thtee.

    Firstly, when you have knowledge, you can get excellent opportunities for jobs. The world always respects people that have more knowledge because they have the power of knowledge in their hands. There is no such word as "firstly" -- "first" or "for one thing" will do fine. Instead of "you can get" the sentence would read more smoothly if you write "there are excellent job opportunities." Things are referred to by "that" but people should be refered to with "who." The second sentence seems circular: people who have knowledge are respected because they have knowledge. You should delete the words after "because" and insert a real reason why knowledgeable people are respected.

    Secondly, knowledge can bring you lots of fortune. For example, Abdul Kalam, the president of India was poor but won his ranks to president but of his valuable education. Are you saying that everyone who has knowledge will become wealthy? Hmmm! Also, I don't understand the phrasing "but won his ranks to president but of..." Please rephrase.

    Lastly, knowledge can help you win great prizes. For example, Can West Can Spell is an educational spelling program that awards spellers great prizes and money. If you have the power of knowledge, you can easily win that contest. Please find a word to begin this segment that doesn't have an -ly on the end of it; it's too repetitive of "secondly." Are you saying that all people who have knowledge will win prizes? Please rephrase.

    To conclude, knowledge is valuable in every way, hence I call it, "Knowledge is Power" Instead of "To conclude" it would be smoother if you wrote "Overall ..." You need a semicolon after "every way" or else you'll have a run-on, and you need a period after "Power" and before the closing quotation mark.

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    Writeacher
  2. !!

    Not "thtee" but "three"!!

    =)

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    Writeacher

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