Could you please revise and tell me any suggestions or things I need to change? Thank you!

This, I Believe

His facial expression dropped and you could almost tell exactly what had just happened by the way his body language changed. Someone had just yelled "No s should be allowed at FC," to one of my close friends. The person who made the remark continued on down the hallway impressed by what he had just done and was laughing and joking about it with his friends. It seemed as though they paid no attention to the emotional damage and pain they caused my friend, who was standing there at his locker with his eyes all glossy and his face tinted red. How could someone do this much emotional damage to someone and feel cool about it? Its amazing how all it takes is one word to emotionally crush someone.

In all honesty, I wanted to go up and punch the boy in the face who had made the remark and make him feel the same pain as my friend went through. I know it wouldn’t be the same type of pain, but would possibly avoid the same situation in the future. How could you make someone feel that bad and go on with your day? I at least would like him to apologize, maybe then I would respect him more. Discrimination in any form is out right wrong, and not needed in society. Some people do not seem to get this though, and continue hating on people who can't even change who they are. If only that boy could have looked at it in another light, and see the emotional toll one word could take on someone.

That’s the part that I don’t think our society understands. They see words like "got" and "negro" in a jokingly light, and this definitely should not be the case. Just those words can ruin someone's whole down taking part of their self esteem down with it. A person can't help who they are, but some people just seem to not get this through their stubborn heads. My friend claimed that he was fine after I asked how he was doing and see if he needed support, but by the trembling and shakiness of is voice, that didn’t seem to be the case. A person can only take so much emotional damage before they just give up and shut down, and this seemed to throw him over the top.

I just want people to see how much pain words can bring to someone emotionally. Self esteem is probably one of the most important things in life considering how much it changes your attitude towards things, and when you have a really low self esteem, you tend to just give up. Hating on someone due to their race, gender, sexuality, or religion is unnecessary and doesn't make you any better of a person. In fact, it makes you the total opposite considering you would hate on someone due to something they practically have no control over. If something similar to this situation happened again, I honestly don’t know what I would do, and I don’t want to find out. Just realize how much of an impact your words can make on someone's life, and think before you speak. Discrimination of any kind should be stopped. This, I Believe.

OMG this .... like... oh my gosh THIS IS WONDERFUL!!! :)

Great Job!!!! :)
Keep Up the Good Work! :)
ps: you should my journal entry it's realy good ;)

thank you!

This passage effectively portrays an emotional incident involving discriminatory remarks and highlights the impact of words on individuals. Overall, the content and message are clear. However, there are a few suggestions to enhance the clarity and flow of the writing:

1. Separate the passage into paragraphs to improve readability and organization. Each new paragraph should introduce a new idea or develop a specific point.
2. Consider using specific names or pronouns when referring to characters to avoid confusion. For example, instead of "someone," use "the person," "the boy," or specific names.
3. To maintain consistency, consider using consistent verb tense throughout the passage. For instance, using past tense consistently may provide a smoother reading experience.
4. When expressing your personal thoughts, be clear about where your perspective begins and ends. This will help distinguish your voice from that of the narrator or characters.
5. When addressing the impact of words, provide specific examples or anecdotes to strengthen your argument and further convey the emotional toll on individuals.
6. To conclude the passage, consider summarizing the main points and ending with a strong statement that reinforces the message of the narrative.

Revised paragraph:

"His facial expression dropped, and it was evident through the shift in his body language that something had just happened. One of my close friends had been the target of a derogatory comment: 'No s should be allowed at FC.' The person who made the remark continued down the hallway, reveling in their actions, laughing and joking with their friends. It was as if they were oblivious to the emotional damage and pain they caused my friend, who stood at his locker with tear-filled eyes and a flushed face. How could someone inflict such emotional harm and find satisfaction in it? It's astonishing how a single word can shatter someone's emotional well-being.

In all honesty, I felt the urge to confront the boy who made the remark, to make him experience the same pain my friend endured. Although I knew it wouldn't be an identical experience, I hoped it would discourage him from perpetuating such cruelty. Couldn't he at least apologize? Maybe then, I could muster some respect for him. Discrimination, in any form, is unequivocally wrong and has no place in our society. Some individuals fail to realize this, continuing to spew hatred towards those who cannot change who they are. If only that boy could understand the emotional toll his words exacted on someone.

This is the part that our society fails to grasp. Words like 'got' and 'negro' are casually thrown around, as if they are harmless jokes. However, these words have the power to dismantle someone's self-esteem, leaving them shattered. A person cannot control their identity, yet some individuals refuse to acknowledge this reality. When I asked my friend how he was holding up, he claimed to be fine. However, the tremble in his voice and the shakiness of his demeanor spoke otherwise. There is only so much emotional damage a person can withstand before reaching a breaking point, and this incident seemed to have pushed him over the edge.

I yearn for people to comprehend the immense pain that words can inflict on someone's emotional well-being. Self-esteem is a crucial aspect of life; it shapes our perspectives and resilience. When self-esteem plummets, one's ability to thrive diminishes. Hating someone based on their race, gender, sexuality, or religion is not only unnecessary but also a reflection of the perpetrator's moral deficiency. It is ironic how individuals can harbor animosity towards something entirely beyond a person's control. If a similar situation were to occur again, I cannot predict my reaction, but I fervently hope that compassion and understanding prevail. Recognize the profound impact words can have on someone's life, and exercise caution before speaking. Discrimination in any form must be eradicated. This, I believe."

These revisions aim to improve the structure and clarity of the passage while maintaining the original meaning and emotions conveyed.