Revised Paragraph 2 Let me know if this is better:
Anna, I am so happy you’ve moved back to Burlington from Bay view, Ohio! Especially since there are many more job oppurtunities here for you to discover. In fact just yesterday I was talking with my boss at Metropolitan Music Company , Mr. Juzek, and he was speaking of needing an assistant. He desperately needs someone to assist him with the growing demand in orders for violins and supplies within our company. The position requires the ability to process incoming orders, making sure shipments of products and supplies go out in a timely manner and taking care of travel plans for when Mr. Juzek travels to trade shows. He needs someone who is organized, patient and who can keep up with the pace of the incoming orders. As you’ve shown on various occasions at your previous workplace, you have the patience, organization, and ability to always work quick and efficiently and problem solve without hesitation. I sincerely believe this position is perfect for you and I believe you’re just what my boss is looking for in an assistant. I highly recommend you apply for this position as it can open many doors for your future, it can also provide you with stability and a steady pay with benefits, which is something I know you’ve been wanting for a long time. I will make sure to put in a good word to Mr. Juzek for you and hope to see your application in our office very soon.
Anna, I am so happy you’ve moved back to Burlington from Bay view, Ohio! Especially since there are many more job oppurtunities here for you to discover.<~~fragment In fact just yesterday I was talking with my boss at Metropolitan Music Company ,<~~delete the extra space before the comma Mr. Juzek, and he was speaking of needing an assistant. He desperately needs someone to assist him with the growing demand in orders for violins and supplies within our company. The position requires the ability to process incoming orders, making sure shipments of products and supplies go out in a timely manner and taking care of travel plans for when Mr. Juzek travels to trade shows.<~~parallel construction problems He needs someone who is organized, patient and who can keep up with the pace of the incoming orders. As you’ve shown on various occasions at your previous workplace, you have the patience, organization, and ability to always work quick and efficiently and problem solve<~~hyphenate those two words without hesitation. I sincerely believe this position is perfect for you<~~comma needed and I believe you’re just what my boss is looking for in an assistant. I highly recommend you apply for this position as it can open many doors for your future, it can also provide you with stability and a steady pay with benefits, which is something I know you’ve been wanting for a long time.<~~run-on I will make sure to put in a good word to Mr. Juzek for you and hope to see your application in our office very soon.
Go here -- http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm -- and look up Fragments, Run-on Sentences, and Parallel construction.
The revised paragraph is much better compared to the previous version. The language is clear and the content flows smoothly. The paragraph effectively conveys the speaker's excitement about Anna moving back to Burlington and the job opportunity available at Metropolitan Music Company. The paragraph also highlights the qualities and skills that make Anna a suitable candidate for the assistant position.
To improve further, you can consider adding specific examples or anecdotes to support your claims about Anna's qualities and skills. This will make the recommendation more compelling. Additionally, you can mention any specific benefits or perks associated with the job to make it even more appealing to Anna. Overall, the revised paragraph effectively conveys the message and encourages Anna to apply for the position.