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Writing Sentences and Paragraphs

Here is my Paragraph 1 , It is my good copy just wanna a final check before I submit it.

PARAGRAPH 1
According to the job listing in The Daily News, I understand you are seeking a Medical Administrative Assistant to work in Fletcher Allen Hospital in Burlington, Vermont. This position seems to be made for me! I have been working toward a job like this, ever since my mother was rushed to the hospital a few years ago with a severe headache and numbness above her right eye. It turned out to be a brain aneurysm, and required immediate surgery. Mrs. Peterson, the medical administrative assistant who checked my mother in, was quick to recognize her symptoms and ensure she got immediate care. Because of her quick knowledge, hard work, and caring nature for each patient, Mrs. Peterson is the lady who inspired me to enter this field for a career. She has made me want to work hard and assist patients with their medical issues to ensure their process runs efficiently and smoothly. I believe I am qualified for this position because I have the determination to work hard, the compassion needed while assisting patients, and the ability to work well under pressure and in a team-oriented environment. Fletcher Allen and its strong alliance to the University of Vermont demonstrate the amount and quality of teamwork needed in a medical facility. This is why I would like to pursue my career at your hospital.

I will post my edited second paragraph in a bit for review.

Thank you :)

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Shawna

  1. delete the commas after "this" and after "aneurysm"

    Otherwise, it's excellent! Nice!

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    Writeacher

  2. Thank you done :)

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    Shawna

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