Can anyone help me check my work please. I need to revise the paragraph to establish a clear antecedent for every pronoun that needs one.
Original:
In the summer of 2005, the NCAA banned the use of mascots that could be considered offensive to American Indians at any of their championship games. In order to understand this, it is important to consider that movies and television programs for years portrayed them as savage warriors that were feared and misunderstood. That is why some schools have chosen to use Indians as their mascot, a role typically played by wild animals or fictional beasts. You would not tolerate derogatory terms for other ethnic groups being used for school mascots. In the NCAA’s ruling, they asked schools to eliminate mascots that may be hurtful or offensive to America’s Indian population.
My revisions:
In the summer of 2005, the NCAA banned the use of mascots that could be considered offensive to American Indians at any of their championship games. In order to understand this, it is important to consider that movies and television programs for years portrayed American Indians as savage warriors who were feared and misunderstood. That is why some schools have chosen to use Indians as the mascot, a role typically played by wild animals or fictional beasts. You would not tolerate derogatory terms for other ethnic groups being used for school mascots. In the NCAA’s ruling, schools were asked to eliminate their mascots that may be hurtful or offensive to the American Indian population.
I found errors in these parts:
at any of their championship games.
In order to understand this,
That is why some schools
use Indians as the mascot
You would not tolerate
Your revisions are quite good, but there are a few places where you can further establish a clear antecedent for the pronouns. Let me show you the revised paragraph:
"In the summer of 2005, the NCAA banned the use of mascots that could be considered offensive to American Indians at any of the NCAA championship games. In order to understand this decision, it is important to consider that movies and television programs for years portrayed American Indians as savage warriors who were feared and misunderstood. This portrayal is why some schools have chosen to use Indians as their mascot, a role typically played by wild animals or fictional beasts. As a society, we would not tolerate derogatory terms for other ethnic groups being used as school mascots. In its ruling, the NCAA asked schools to eliminate mascots that may be hurtful or offensive to the American Indian population."
In this revised version, I replaced "them" with "American Indians" and "they" with "the NCAA" to clarify the antecedents. Additionally, I changed "it" to "this decision" and "you" to "as a society" to establish clear referents. Overall, the revised paragraph now provides clearer antecedents for all the pronouns used.