college essay please tell what to delete

1. Academic preparation: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?

I have taken advantage of the many great opportunities in my education to grow as a student and, most importantly, as a person. I enrolled in several Honors and AP classes in order to challenge myself academically and to arm myself with knowledge that will be beneficial for college. In addition, due to the high amount of work required for Honors and AP classes, I had to cope with meeting the various deadlines for assignments for all my classes. As a consequence, I developed time management skills and the ability to prioritize. These skills will greatly help me during college for in college a successful student must be able to manage time effectively in order to meet the various requirements. As a person, I have learned to make time in my schedule to give back to the community. Helping my community has, in turn, helped make me a better person. It feels good to devote some time on the weekends to become involved in issues and feel connected with others. After all the obstacles and lessons I have had to overcome and learn, I have concluded that nothing is ever going to prevent me from achieving my goals. One of my top priorities now is to further my education so that I may serve my community better. With the support of my parents and friends who have always believed in me, I am confident that I have the ability and the drive to succeed, as well as the courage to face any challenge that I may encounter.


2) Potential to Contribute: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

Experience is defined as “direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge.” The most useful knowledge I have gained from my own personal experience is that learning how to adapt to life’s unexpected events is the key to survival/success (and, perhaps, the key to happiness).

I was born to two loving and caring parents, Dilip and Syamala Krishnagiri, on December 5, 1989, in Hyderabad, India, the place where my dad had managed to find a job as a software engineer and where I learned how to crawl and walk. My childhood in Hyderabad was a typical one and involved going to school and hanging out with friends. Then, a life-altering event occurred. When I was in second grade, my dad found a better job, which meant picking up and moving away. However, this move involved traveling to the other side of the world—to the United States—, thus marking the beginning of another phase of my life.

Arriving in the United States was both exciting and terrifying. I could not comprehend the fact that I had left behind my friends, my home—basically, everything I had ever known. I was shocked at the seemingly impossible task of building a new home and life in California. Naturally, I was anxious, and the fact that I could not speak English fluently did not help. At first, I struggled to adjust to life here, including the school system, which seemed so new and bizarre to me that I sometimes felt overwhelmed. Initially, I had trouble both academically and socially. After months of being miserable and feeling like an outcast, I determined that I had only one viable option—to adapt. Therefore, I made several changes in my life, starting with my academic performance. I dedicated myself to becoming fluent in English and to removing language as a barrier to success. After months of lessons, I gradually learned English, which in turn helped me make friends. My hard work had paid off; I had begun to adapt to my new life.

I then made a promise to myself to continue to improve academically, to make new friends, and to enjoy life. Although it has not always been easy, I have managed to keep my promise. Because of this life experience, I discovered unknown depths of resiliency within myself and gained a new sense of self-confidence. As a result, I now approach any activity with a “never quit” attitude and do my very best to achieve goals I set for myself. If I am accepted to the University of California, I will apply this aspect of myself to my studies and to campus activities.

As an individual who is familiar with both Indian and American cultures, I believe that I can also positively contribute to campus life. Having learned from my own experience how to adjust to life in the United States, I can be of assistance to other students who are currently making this adjustment themselves. Furthermore, I can spread cultural awareness by interacting with other students, which can serve to enhance their own knowledge of other cultures. In this new era of globalization, cultural awareness (as well as the ability to adapt) is becoming an increasingly important type of experience.



3) Open-Ended question: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to make mature decisions from the first day of ninth grade onward. Unfortunately, I never fully realized how grades are important to high school success, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life. If I had worked and studied harder, I would not have had to apply to school with a low SAT score and a 3.7 GPA. This year I have made a concentrated effort to improve my work ethic. As a result, my grade point average is rising, and my study habits are improving. Determined to make something of myself, I have set goals and am working to achieve them—in other words, I have finally matured. My new attitude and my understanding of the importance of earning good grades demonstrate my ability to be responsible. I enjoy the freedom of pursuing my own interests and eagerly anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. Although college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I also accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will need to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic about. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I realize that I am working toward my college degree and my future success; therefore, I will be motivated to improve and push myself to accomplish my goals. I know that the courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal. I feel that I have always had the potential to succeed, and with my new perspective, I now look forward to having the opportunity to realize this potential.



okay this is my final essay for college. i'm only allowed to have 1000 words but i have a total of 1123. i deleted some stuff but the rest i'm stuck. i can't seem to decide what to delete. so you can please tell me which is unnecessary.

i realize that my second question is along but that was my plan because it was more easier to write about but if you feel that i should delete something please feel to tell me. i wrote about myself in question 2, because that was the only topic i knew how to include myself in.

so please help me


My suggestions: Delete the stuff in bold. Add the stuff that's underlined.
------------------
1. Academic preparation: How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college?

I have taken advantage of the many great opportunities in my education to grow as a student and, most importantly, as a person. I enrolled in several Honors and AP classes in order to challenge myself academically and to arm myself with knowledge that will be beneficial for college. In addition, due to the high amount of work required for Honors and AP classes, I had to cope with meeting the various deadlines for assignments for all my classes. As a consequence, I developed time management skills and the ability to prioritize. These skills will greatly help me during college for in college a successful student must be able to manage time effectively in order to meet the various requirements. As a person, I have learned to make time in my schedule to give back to the community. Helping my community has, in turn, helped make me a better person. It feels good to devote some time on the weekends to become involved in issues and feel connected with others. After all the obstacles and lessons I have had to overcome and learn, I have concluded that nothing is ever going to prevent me from achieving my goals. One of my top priorities now is to further my education so that I may serve my community better. With the support of my parents and friends who have always believed in me, I am confident that I have the ability and the drive to succeed, as well as the courage to face any challenge that I may encounter.


2) Potential to Contribute: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.

Experience is defined as “direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge.” The most useful knowledge I have gained from my own personal experience is that learning how to adapt to life’s unexpected events is the key to survival/success (and, perhaps, the key to happiness).

I was born to two loving and caring parents, Dilip and Syamala Krishnagiri, on December 5, 1989, in Hyderabad, India, the place where my dad had managed to find a job as a software engineer and where I learned how to crawl and walk. My childhood in Hyderabad was a typical one and involved going to school and hanging out with friends. Then, a life-altering event occurred. When I was in second grade, my dad found a better job, which meant picking up and moving away. However, this move involved traveling to the other side of the world—to the United States—, thus marking the beginning of another phase of my life. <~~Condense this paragraph greatly. It’s very wordy and undoubtedly repeats things already in your records.

Arriving in the United States was both exciting and terrifying. I could not comprehend the fact that I had left behind my friends, my home—basically, everything I had ever known. I was shocked at the seemingly impossible task of building a new home and life in California. Naturally, I was anxious, and the fact that I could not speak English fluently did not help. At first, I struggled to adjust to life here, including the school system, which seemed so new and bizarre to me that I sometimes felt overwhelmed. Initially, I had trouble both academically and socially. After months of being miserable and feeling like an outcast, I determined that I had only one viable option—to adapt. Therefore, I made several changes in my life, starting with my academic performance. I dedicated myself to becoming fluent in English and to removing language as a barrier to success. After months of lessons, I gradually learned English, which in turn helped me make friends. My hard work had paid off; I had begun to adapt to my new life.

I then made a promise to promised myself to continue to improve academically, to make new friends, and to enjoy life. Although it has not always been easy, I have managed to keep my promise. Because of this life experience, I discovered unknown depths of resiliency within myself and gained a new sense of self-confidence. As a result, I now approach any activity with a “never quit” attitude and do my very best to achieve goals I set for myself. If I am accepted to the University of California, I will apply this aspect of myself to my studies and to campus activities.

As an individual who is familiar with both Indian and American cultures, I believe that I can also positively contribute to campus life. Having learned from my own experience how to adjust to life in the United States, I can be of assistance to other students who are currently making this adjustment themselves. Furthermore, I can spread cultural awareness by interacting with other students, which can serve to enhanceenhancing their own knowledge of other cultures. In this new era of globalization, cultural awareness (as well as the ability to adapt) is becoming an increasingly important type of experience.



3) Open-Ended question: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?

High school is a strange time. After three years of trying to develop an identity and friends in middle school, students are expected to make mature decisions from the first day of ninth grade onward. Unfortunately, I never fully realized how important grades are to success in high school, as measured by GPA, would be to my future life and for my future. If I had worked and studied harder, I would not have had to apply to school with a low SAT score and a 3.7 GPA. This year I have made a concentrated effort to improve my work ethic. As a result, my grade point average is rising, and my study habits are improving. Determined to make something of myself, I have set goals and am working to achieve them—in other words, I have finally matured. My new attitude and my understanding of the importance of earning good grades demonstrate my ability to be responsible. I enjoy the freedom of pursuing my own interests and eagerly anticipate the ability to choose my own class schedule in college. Although college will be significantly more challenging than high school, I have always found it easier to study for a class that interests me. I also accept the fact that as long as I am in school, I will need to take required courses that I might be less than enthusiastic aboutin which I will have to work harder. However, with my new goal-oriented nature, I realize that I am working toward my college degree and my future success; therefore, I will be motivated to improve and push myself to accomplish my goals. I know that the courses will be challenging, but I am willing to do what it takes to achieve my ultimate goal. I feel that I have always had the potential to succeed, and with my new perspective, I now look forward to having the opportunity to realize this potential.
----------------------

After you re-count the words, please re-post if you still need to cut more. The second paragraph in section 2 can be condensed greatly.

=)


Your essay has greatly improved in the last week. Good work.

To me, academics are defined by far more than a superficial letter grade. Throughout high school, I’ve learned that in order to be academically successful, I would need to create a balance between school and community involvement. Communication is not something that I could acquire from reading a textbook, so over the past four years, I’ve become involved with various programs that have enabled me to change my perspective and outlook on life. I was able to gain experience by working with individuals who have physical or mental disabilities, social awkwardness, or simply a desire to express their culture. By assisting an individual with disabilities, I learned to appreciate my ability to function on a regular basis. Mentoring an underclassman with social awkwardness taught me to be more sensitive towards students who aren’t accepted by their peers. Helping spread cultural awareness throughout the community through various forms of Indian dance, fundraisers, and social events made me more aware of my stance as an Indian American. As a result of these experiences, dedication has become of second nature to me. I’ve realized that with hard work and dedication, it is possible to be successful regardless of whichever path I choose.

oh wait sorry that wasn't a responds, i just need help with my essay so i was wondering if anyone could improve what i just posted above ! thanks

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  1. please tell me english grammar

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    posted by hasnain
  2. hey
    im an indian
    wassup
    my life is kinda like urs
    i came to usa last year

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  3. umm ya ur screwed

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    posted by nnkkk
  4. hey y d hell am i screwed dude !!!!!!!

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    2. 👎 0
    posted by haha

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