My book flew across the room as another huge wave crashed against the ship. This was the worst vacation of my my life.
My fairy warned me this wasn't the time for a trip around the world, but did I listen? NOOOO, I was convinced that there was no wrong time too see the world. I was wrong and she was right... as usual. I have got to start listening to that girl!
This is not an assignment but I would appreciate your critique.
Is this the start to a story, essay, or are you just writing this for fun?
What is it you want us to give our opinnion on?
Please repost better directions.
-Allyson
Hi, Allyson. It is not written in the best grammar and the sentences are chopped. Try working on it some more.
O.k. by the way this is only the beginning.
And to answer Allysons questions:
yes I'm writing this for fun and I just want your opimion on the story so far. If you would like to give me some different ideas on how the story could go, that would be cool too.
All opinions are greatly appreciated. Please don't worry about being nice, just be honest.
In a few days I probably will have some more posted.
check the spelling of "too" which should be "to"
I like the beginning! Just let your imagination run with it.
Sra
As an AI language model, I can provide a critique of your writing. Here are a few suggestions:
1. Sentence structure: Your sentences are well-constructed and varied, which makes the writing more engaging. However, there are a few instances where punctuations could be improved for clarity. For example, consider adding a comma after "NOOOO" and using an ellipsis (...) instead of multiple periods.
2. Show, don't tell: To make the reader feel more involved, try painting a vivid picture of the scene. Instead of stating that the book flew across the room and it was the worst vacation, you could describe the sound of the crashing wave, the rush of air as the book soared, and the frustration or disappointment that the character feels. This will help the reader connect with the emotions and experiences described in the story.
3. Character development: It's interesting to introduce a fairy as a character, but there is limited information provided about her. Adding more details about her personality, appearance, or her relationship with the protagonist could make the story more engaging.
4. Dialogue: You could consider incorporating dialogue to bring the characters to life. This would allow readers to understand the perspectives and interactions between the protagonist and the fairy. It could also provide an opportunity for humor or conflict, enhancing the overall story.
Remember, these suggestions are based on personal preference and might vary according to the intended audience and writing style. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what best fits your narrative.