english

I wrote an essay for English but now we are doing revision techniques to fix it up.

The first thing was to take a sentence and make it parallel.

I took this sentence:
Focusing on the next point, I hit the ball powerfully over the net over and over again in an attempt to outlast my opponent and make up for the bad call that would have won me the game.

This is how I revised it:
When I played the next point, I focused deeply on making up for the lost point, I stepped into each shot to produce power, and I controlled the ball in order to keep the ball in play.

Do you think that is good enough?

Now I am supposed to use figurative language- non-literal comparisons- such as similes, metaphors, and personification- add "spice" to writing-

I am going to use this sentence:
With sweat dripping down my face at a brutally hot summer tennis tournament, I proceeded to blast a serve right past my opponent in a powerful manner.

revision- With an ocean of sweat dripping down my face as rapidly as ________ (i'm not sure what to put) at a brutally hot summer tennis tournament as humid as the Sahara Dessert, I proceeded to blast a serve right past my opponent as powerfully as __________ (not sure what to put.)



I took this sentence:

Focusing on the next point, I hit the ball powerfully over the net over and over again in an attempt to outlast my opponent and make up for the bad call that would have won me the game.

This is how I revised it:
When I played the next point, I focused deeply on making up for the lost point, I stepped into each shot to produce power, and I controlled the ball in order to keep the ball in play.

Do you think that is good enough?

There’s a comma splice in there and some unneeded repetition. Try this: When I played for the next point, I focused on making up for the lost one. I stepped into each shot to produce power, and I controlled the ball in order to keep it in play.

Now I am supposed to use figurative language- non-literal comparisons- such as similes, metaphors, and personification- add "spice" to writing-

I am going to use this sentence:
With sweat dripping down my face at a brutally hot summer tennis tournament, I proceeded to blast a serve right past my opponent in a powerful manner.

revision- With an ocean of sweat dripping down my face as rapidly as ________ (i'm not sure what to put) at a brutally hot summer tennis tournament as humid as the Sahara Dessert, I proceeded to blast a serve right past my opponent as powerfully as __________ (not sure what to put.)

It might be overkill, but if that’s the assignment, then that’s what you must do. Try this: With an ocean of sweat dripping down my face at a brutally hot summer tennis tournament as humid as the Deep South in August, I proceeded to blast a serve right past my opponent as powerfully as a supersonic jet.

What do you think??


I can't help with your revisions; however, I should point out that you might want to consider some word other than "humid" for the Sahara Dessert. If the Sahara had any humidity, it wouldn't be a dessert.

Humidity in the Deep South in August will get it!

LOL... I would also spell Desert with only ONE "s" otherwise we have created a new confection.

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