I am writing an 5 paragraph essay on being stranded on an island. I chose a narrative. How does this look so far?
Thesis-It was at this moment that Willie realized the reason he had been sent to this whole new environment and now had to learn a new way of survival.
2 Reason
Ms. Barlett had never met Willie before, but she knew he was a young man in trouble from the writings he had submitted to her. Willie had talked about how he missed his mom and also the small petty crimes he had committed with the street gang he had been hanging out with. It was one particular writing that Ms. Barlett had become alarmed over that made her decide Willie needed to be removed from where he had been staying. Ms Barlett has taught many important people throughout her career, but there was one person she knew who could make this happen. The arrangements were made and Willie found himself on a remote island known as the Isle of Mull off the west coast of Scotland
#3 Willie began to investigate his environment around him with the magnificent mountain scenery, raised beaches, rich grasslands, beautiful flowering hsia, blue poppies and many other wonderful plants.
So far, so good!
The only thing you should work on is eliminating wordiness:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm
But that is the type of thing you work on AFTER you have written the first or second draft. OK?
Your essay is off to a good start! However, I have a few suggestions to help improve it:
1. Thesis Statement:
Your thesis statement is a good start, but it could be more specific and clear. You mention that Willie needs to learn a new way of survival, but what exactly does that mean? Consider adding more details to convey the challenges that Willie will face on the island.
Example: "Through his experiences on the remote Isle of Mull, Willie realizes the true extent of his personal growth as he navigates unfamiliar terrain, learns essential survival skills, and confronts the consequences of his past actions."
2. Introduction and Background:
In your second paragraph, you briefly introduce Ms. Barlett and the reason she decides to send Willie to the Isle of Mull. However, it would be beneficial to expand on this and provide more context about Willie's troubled past and the specific incident that led to his relocation. This will help the reader understand the significance of Willie's new environment.
Example: "Ms. Barlett, a seasoned educator, had come across Willie's raw yet powerful writings that shed light on his troubled past. From his longing for his absent mother to his involvement in minor criminal activities, Willie's circumstances painted a picture of a young man in need of a fresh start. And it was one particular piece, revealing the depth of Willie's despair and the dangerous path he had embarked on, that compelled Ms. Barlett to take action, reaching out to a trusted contact who could offer a unique opportunity for redemption."
3. Exploration and Appreciation of the Environment:
In your third paragraph, you mention Willie investigating his surroundings on the island. While this is a good point, try to provide more vivid descriptions and sensory details to engage the readers and make them feel as if they are experiencing the environment alongside Willie.
Example: "As the vibrant sun cast its golden rays on the untouched Isle of Mull, Willie immersed himself in the breathtaking beauty that surrounded him. Towering mountain peaks adorned with majestic greens, ancient rock formations formed by thousands of years of geological tides, and an array of vibrant flora that welcomed him with open petals. Each step he took on the soft, fertile soil revealed hidden treasures—delicate hsias dancing in the gentle breeze, periwinkle poppies swaying gracefully, and the earthy aroma of mosses and lichens embracing the air."
Remember to continue developing your essay with more paragraphs exploring Willie's experiences and personal growth on the island. Additionally, ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain a coherent flow throughout your narrative. Good luck with your essay!