Even after achieving such wealth, Oliver has always remained true to himself and never allowed his beliefs to waver.
Correct?
Perfect!
Thanks!!!!
Here is my introduction. There is something wrog with it.
Imagine being given a name that every kid would make fun of and everyone always questioning “Why would your parents do such a thing?” The bullies from his childhood would call him Oliver Tolliver, from Bolivar, and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. They would tell him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his and the way he looked and dressed. Oliver was determined to prove these mean kids wrong and he set out to do just that. No one would ever have known that this sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, with his penny-pinching ways, would have built a state-of-the-art mansion.
Again, take it from the bottom up...
No one would ever have known that this sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, with his penny-pinching ways, would have built a state-of-the-art mansion. perfect
Oliver was determined to prove these mean kids wrong and he set out to do just that. comma after "wrong"
They told him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his, not to mention the way he looked and dressed. Note the verb tense (second word). The words "not to mention" emphasize the continuation of thought. The word "and" is very blah!
The bullies from his childhood called him "Oliver Tolliver from Bolivar," and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. Basically fine; note change in verb tense, and the quotation marks around what the kids called him.
Imagine being given a name that every other kid made fun of, with everyone always asking, “Why would your parents do such a thing?” See the changes?
How this?
Imagine being given a name that every other kid made fun of, with everyone always asking, “Why would your parents do such a thing?” The bullies from his childhood called him "Oliver Tolliver from Bolivar," and this made him extremely conscientious about his name. They would tell him that he was never going to be anyone important because of a name like his, moreover the way he looked and dressed. Oliver was determined to prove these mean kids wrong, and he set out to do just that. No one would ever have known that this sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, with his penny-pinching ways, would have built a state-of-the-art mansion.
They would tell him = They told him...
The word "moreover" is a conjunctive adverb, and is not correctly used here. Find a different connector.
Oliver was determined to prove these mean kids wrong, and he set out to do just that. In rereading, this seems redundant. You can stop the sentence after "wrong" and you'll cut out the redundancy.
No one would have guessed that this sloppily dressed, wealthy businessman, with his penny-pinching ways, would build a state-of-the-art mansion. word choice and verb tense issues -- see the changes I made?