English

could you review this for me and provide feedback. I have an assignment that states I need to write my thesis statement then write paragraphs that support this. This is only a draft and I would welcome any comments.




Thesis Statement:

Even though having a credit card can help teach financial responsibility with some, overall a credit card company should not be allowed to market to students on campus.


When many students first attend college, this is their first experience of being on their own and away from their parents and many do not realize the amount of responsibility that will come with that, which includes having a credit card. Once this realization comes to pass it may be too late and they find themselves in a situation of unmanageable credit card debt. The buy now pay later aspect of a credit card is very appealing to a student. This attitude is a common one amongst young people who are more focused on obtaining things they want compared to the things that are actually needed. Even though it is possible for banks and students alike to benefit from credit card use, the potential for harm well outweighs those benefits. Student can easily obtain a credit card but most will not fully understand the terms that these cards carry, such as fees and associated costs that are often hidden in the fine print of the contracts. Understanding this hazard requires one to realize that credit card companies should not be allowed to lure students into financial and possible academic ruin by marketing on college campuses.
Although a college age student may feel ready for the responsibility, they may not completely understand the possible ramifications of over-use of credit cards, which can include a decline in grades and even early withdrawal from school (Siena 2009) Students whose credit card debt has begun to get out of hand may work multiple jobs or more hours in an attempt to handle the debt. The student may also try to take out additional loans to pay-off their credit card balances. The increased hours spent working leaves less time to study. Less time to study and stressing over their debt can lead to a drop in the student’s grades. Even worse than lowered grades, credit card debt can even contribute to students failing to graduate at all. In recent years there has been a dramatic increase in credit card usage among college students which has led to concerns that this behavior is putting them at great risk for high debt levels and misuse of credit after graduation (Angela C. Lyons 2004). What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems. These financial problems can include unmanageable debt, bad credit, loan denials, bankruptcy, and even rejections by jobs, rental opportunities and professional schools due to the student’s bad credit.

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  1. Many sentences are too long and need to be divided.

    There are some tricky spelling issues; for example -- buy-now-pay-later <~~needs the hyphens because you have created an adjective out of a phrase.
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/hyphen.htm
    See "a" under Hyphens have other uses...

    Comma use needs work.
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

    Pronoun-antecedent agreement needs work:
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/pronouns.htm
    See especially #2.
    Here's only one example: "stressing over their debt can lead to a drop in the student’s grades"

    In-text citation issues: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/02/

    Fact-checking:
    "but most will not fully understand the terms that these cards carry" <~~how do you know that's true?
    There are others, so make sure you can back up every factual statement you make. Every one.

    What's intended to be a dependent clause here isn't a fully developed clause. "What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems."
    If you can't see it, read it aloud.

    Once you think you have fixed everything, ask someone else to read it aloud to you (and DON'T have a printout in front of you!!). You will hear any problems -- and/or the reader will stumble over a sentence or clause or phrase.

    Your content and development are good, but as I said above, you need to make sure you can back up every factual statement you make.

  2. "What most students will not realize is that the debt they accumulate today can and will follow them into the coming years, which can lead to long term financial problems."

    I reread it -- aloud! -- and it's grammatically complete -- but it's another example of a too-long, too-convoluted sentence. How can you break this into two sentences?

  3. Thank you so much for the feedback! I will do what you suggested and resubmit. All your help is really appreciated.

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  4. No problem!

    And be sure to use the "read it aloud" trick. It really pays off!

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