English

I need to check these sentences, especially the use of sentence connectors. Can you also suggest a site to me where I can get extra exercises on how to use them in a paragraph? Thank you

1)The soldiers are presented as old and tired.
The poet wonders if the readers can hear his dying friend, whose blood is gargling in his lungs.
2) Lord Henry thinks that beauty matters more than anything else.
In fact, on the one hand, beauty is defined as a form of genius, since it is, in Lord Henry's opinion, not as superficial as thought.
3) On the other hand, youth is depicted as beautiful and divine, whereas old age stands for physical and mental decadence.
4) Furthermore, the aging process is rejected by lord Henry because it makes people sallw, hollow-cheecked and dull-eyed.

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asked by Henry1
  1. 1) OK

    The poet wonders if the readers can hear his dying friend, whose blood is gargling in his lungs. <~~good imagery! nice!

    2) OK

    3) On the other hand, youth is depicted as beautiful and divine, whereas old age stands for physical and mental decadence.
    Transition problems -- see next post when I get it done.

    4) Furthermore, the aging process is rejected by Lord Henry because it makes people sallow, hollow-cheeked, and dull-eyed.
    spelling and 1 comma

  2. Corrected/Suggestions

    In fact, beauty is defined as a form of genius, since it is, in Lord Henry's opinion, not as superficial as thought.

    3) On the other hand, youth is depicted as beautiful and divine, while old age stands for physical and mental decadence.

    4) Furthermore, the aging process is rejected by lord Henry because it makes people sallow, hollow-cheeked, and dull-eyed.

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