Please grade my essay on 6
Topic
“Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their children’s college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience.”
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.
My essay
The author of the statement believes that by sharing some of the burden of college tuition fee with their children, parents can instill a sense of responsibility in their children. While some may argue that students may be overburdened and would not be able to concentrate on their studies, other claim that this would actually make them take their studies seriously. I personally agree with the latter argument.
Firstly, these days students think of college as just a place to party. Underaged drinking and even drugs is a rampant problem in our colleges.Studies and course work often takes a backseat.Although students do go in for part time jobs,the money they earn is squandered on vices instead of funding their education. Students who are completely funded by their parents may start taking things for granted and would not have any respect for money.They may even start doing badly in college. They will not respect that fact that their parents have been saving up on their college fund for years. If students are asked to chip in to their own college fund, they will realise and appreciate the effort their parents have put in. Also,when students are busy, there is just no time to indulge in these vices. Although college is a place to enjoy and have fun, it is important for students to have fun responsibily, and shouldering some economic responsibility will definity deter them from taking fun too far. This would also go a long way in improving the image that people have about college students as irresponsible brats.
Secondly, I believe that young college students are highly creative. As they say necessity is the mother of all inventions.The necessity of having to fund their education could spark their creativity. Labs and guidance from faculty is readily available at colleges. Using these facilities they could start a venture. This could instill entreprenuership skills in them. Look at great ventures of today like Facebook and Microsoft. These were a result of the creativity and entreprenural skill of young college going students. A recent study has shown that 60% Harvard graduates have their own start-up or venture. These can not only create wealth but also improve their management skills.
Lastly, we are still in the midst of an economic crisis. Many parents may have lost their jobs and money to fund tuition fee is less. So if students could take up some job, it would definetly releave some stress at the parents end.
In conclusion I'd like to say that students should shoulder some of the responsibility of their college education. This would only make them responsible and parents would start treating them as adults. They would be treates with respect and as equals.
I'd give this a 4.
In what ways can i improve this? more examples?
4. You used sweeping generalizations to form conclusions. Those are dangerous arguements, they marginalize minorities, and exceptions. They actually tend to cloud our analysis skills. Otherwise, coherent, well crafted for a first draft.
Based on the given essay, I would rate it a 6 out of 10. Your essay effectively presents arguments in favor of the position that students should share the burden of their college tuition. You provide reasons such as instilling a sense of responsibility, encouraging students to take their studies more seriously, and fostering entrepreneurship skills. You also make a valid point about the economic crisis and the potential benefit of students taking up jobs to alleviate financial stress on parents.
However, there are a few areas where the essay could be improved. Firstly, the essay would benefit from further development and elaboration of each supporting point. Providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes could help strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
Additionally, the essay could benefit from a stronger structure and organization. Consider using clear topic sentences for each supporting point and ensuring that each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next.
Furthermore, it would be helpful to address potential counterarguments and provide a rebuttal to strengthen your overall position.
Finally, there were a few minor grammar and punctuation errors throughout the essay. It is essential to proofread and edit your work before submission to ensure clarity and coherence.
Overall, your essay presents a valid perspective and includes some compelling points. With further development, organization, and proofreading, you can enhance the effectiveness of your argument.