Can you fix my writing? My topic is technology hurting kids. Support the side with details.

The World of Technology
Technology, Technology, that’s all we use today. There’s Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and so many more. My opinion on technology is that I agree that is very distracting because many kids are failing and falling behind in school and grades.
There are so many reasons I agree with the writer of the Scope magazine article “Is Technology Messing with Your Brain?” One reason is kids are spending more time with their gadgets than with their friends. Another reason is kids are spending more time with their electronics than with their homework. Last reason is kids can’t concentrate or remember anything because their brain is multitasking with all of this technology.
To emphasize my point, you should agree that kids using technology is distracting their minds off real stuff that matters. School work should come first and then you could play later. Many parents think I’m probably right and the other parents think I’m wrong. We need to get these intelligent kids cracking into these books, learning.

http://www.jiskha.com/display.cgi?id=1301007210

I see no change from before.

mrs. sue can I get your opinion as well.

I agree with Writeacher. She's a very experienced and export writing teacher.

Follow her directions in order to write a superior paper.

The use of technology among children and its detrimental effects is an important topic to discuss. In order to effectively support the argument that technology is hurting kids, let's analyze your writing and suggest a few improvements:

Title: The Negative Impact of Technology on Children

Introduction:
"Technology, Technology, that’s all we use today. There’s Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, and so many more."

This introduction seems a bit repetitive and doesn't directly relate to the topic of technology hurting kids. Consider revising it to something like:

"In today's digital age, technology plays a prominent role in our lives. From social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter to various other electronic devices, children are constantly immersed in a world of technology. However, it is important to recognize that excessive use of technology may have detrimental effects on their development."

Thesis Statement:
"My opinion on technology is that I agree that is very distracting because many kids are failing and falling behind in school and grades."

While your opinion is clear, it would be beneficial to provide specific supporting details in the thesis statement. Here's an improved version:

"I strongly believe that the excessive use of technology among children leads to significant distractions, causing academic underachievement and a decline in grades. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon and shed light on the importance of prioritizing schoolwork over excessive gadget use."

Body Paragraphs:
In the current format, your essay lacks strong topic sentences and supporting evidence. To strengthen your arguments, it is crucial to introduce one reason per paragraph and support your claims with detailed examples or statistics. Here's a suggested structure for two body paragraphs:

Paragraph 1: Distancing from Personal Connections
Topic Sentence: One major issue with technology is that children often spend more time with their gadgets than with their friends, leading to a decrease in meaningful personal connections.
Supporting Details:
- Provide examples of how children tend to spend excessive time on social media platforms or playing video games, resulting in a lack of face-to-face interactions.
- Discuss studies or statistics that show a correlation between excessive screen time and a decline in social skills or real-world relationships.

Paragraph 2: Neglecting Academic Responsibilities
Topic Sentence: Large amounts of time spent with electronic devices can also distract children from their homework and academic duties, negatively impacting their educational progress.
Supporting Details:
- Provide examples of how children may prioritize entertainment and online activities over completing assignments or studying.
- Discuss the potential consequences of this, such as incomplete or rushed homework, lower grades, and a lack of focus during classes.

Conclusion:
"To emphasize my point, you should agree that kids using technology is distracting their minds off real stuff that matters. School work should come first and then you could play later. Many parents think I’m probably right, and other parents think I’m wrong. We need to get these intelligent kids cracking into these books, learning."

Your conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points discussed in the body paragraphs and providing a call to action. Here's a revised version:

"In conclusion, the excessive use of technology contributes to children's distraction from crucial aspects of their lives, particularly their academic responsibilities. By prioritizing screen time over schoolwork, connections with friends, and real-world experiences, children risk compromising their education and overall well-being. As parents and educators, it is imperative that we encourage children to strike a healthy balance between technology and other important aspects of their lives. By effectively managing technology use, we can ensure that children's intellectual development and personal growth are not hindered."

Remember that these suggestions are mere improvements to your existing text. Feel free to adapt them as needed and add more supporting evidence to strengthen your argument further.