Essay #4

1) At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community?

As I stood on the balcony of my grandparents’ house in India, I watched the students with interest as they struggled to carry their text books home. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes neatly tied, and their faces lit with joy after another challenging day at school. It was at that moment that I was struck with the realization of the cultural, political, and religious diversity I have seen in my travels across the world. Reflecting back to my visits to Africa, Europe, and Asia, I think about how I have incorporated tolerance and respect for others into my life. Tolerance and respect for others are essential for me to have a healthy and successful experience during my college career as a University of Maryland student.

Being an Indian American growing up in Maryland, I was fortunate to learn how to balance my life between the educational and social life of Western society and the cultural traditions and home life of Indian society. The blend of these cultures has opened my life to many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the diversity of the University of Maryland community.

When I entered my freshman year of high school, not many boys were willing to join my schools prestigious chamber choir. Stereotypes aside, I auditioned and won a spot in the choir. As time progressed, I came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers. Surprisingly, our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected. Each person in the choir came from a different background and social class, but we are all bound together by the music we practice. To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time, and free time. Ultimately, the yearlong commitment we showed paid off when we were awarded the highest rating possible at the state competition. From this accomplishment I have learned that no matter which path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any collection of people to achieve my goals.

If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I was in middle school, I would have had to say “I have no clue”. However, through my academic and social activities in school, I have become aware of my tendencies to adopt leadership and communication roles within different clubs. For example, I was voted Vice President of Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and awarded the illustrious Maryland Mock Trial Champion Award. I expect that these academically oriented societies will prepare me for the public role I intend to play in college and beyond.

In conclusion, I believe the University of Maryland offers a wonderful opportunity for me for me to experience a mix of quality education and richly diverse environment. I expect to be involved with the wide variety of clubs and organizations on campus, and can provide my own diverse input on different matters in order to better the community.

- Please check use of grammar, since that is my worst part of english.
- How should I conclude this? Refer back to the question.
- Are their any ideas I should add, remove, condense, or expand on? Please help!

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  1. As I stood on the balcony of my grandparents’ house in India, I watched the students with interest as they struggled to carry their text books home. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes neatly tied, and their faces lit with joy after another challenging day at school. It was at that moment that I was struck by the realization of the cultural, political, and religious diversity I have seen in my travels across the world. Reflecting on my visits to Africa, Europe, and Asia, I think about how I have incorporated tolerance and respect for others into my life. Tolerance and respect for others are essential for me to have a healthy and successful experience during my college career as a University of Maryland student.

    Being an Indian American growing up in Maryland, I was fortunate to learn how to balance my life between the educational and social life of Western society and the cultural traditions and home life of Indian society. The blend of these cultures has opened my life to many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the diversity of the University of Maryland community.

    When I entered my freshman year of high school, not many boys were willing to join my school's prestigious chamber choir. Stereotypes aside, I auditioned and won a spot in the choir. As time progressed, I came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers. Surprisingly, our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected. Each person in the choir came from a different background and social class, but we are all bound together by the music we practice. To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time,<~~delete comma and free time. Ultimately, our year-long commitment we showed<~~delete "we showed" paid off when we were awarded the highest rating possible at the state competition. From this accomplishment I have learned that no matter which path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any collection of people to reach my goals.

    If I had been asked in middle school what career path I wanted to follow, I would have said, "I have no clue." However, through my academic and social activities in school, I have become aware of my tendencies to adopt leadership and communication roles within different clubs. For example, I was voted Vice President of Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and awarded the illustrious Maryland Mock Trial Champion Award. I expect that these academically oriented societies will prepare me for the public role I intend to play in college and beyond.

    In conclusion, I believe the University of Maryland offers a wonderful opportunity for me for me to experience a mix of quality education and a richly diverse environment. I expect to be involved in a wide variety of clubs and organizations on campus,<~~delete comma and can add my own individuality on different matters in order to better the community.

    - Please check use of grammar, since that is my worst part of english.
    Above
    - How should I conclude this? Refer back to the question.
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/endings.htm
    An excellent webpage on writing conclusions.

    - Are their any ideas I should add, remove, condense, or expand on?
    You have done a good job adding specific details to a once-general topic. Nice job.

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  2. do you think I answered the question fully?

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  3. yes

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