College Essay

Is it alright if I ask for someone to read my college essay?

I'll e-mail it if you'd like. I just need some help with it. It's at a bad state right now.

Thank you for your help.

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  1. You can post it here.

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  2. I don't really want it plagiarized. But here it goes:

    Benjamin Robert Aguirre

    Born in Palayamkottai, a small, rural town in southern India I came to America when I was only nine months old. Still adjusting to the world around me, I could not tell the difference between our tiny apartment in Bangalore, India from our large three-bedroom apartment in Richmond, California. Seventeen years later, 150 pounds heavier and 5 ½ feet taller, I have become used to the American way of doing things, having lived the majority of my life in California and Washington. Despite my American way of thinking, my parents have successfully raised me in the United States with Indian morals, reminding me not to forget my native culture or its language.
    My ties with my native southern Indian culture is as strong as steel. I visit my relatives in Tamil Nadu every other summer and I have traveled throughout India. When my relatives ask me a question, and I respond in Tamil, they have a surprised look on their face. However, seventeen years in America has had its effect on me as well. I am considered as "American" as any of my classmates. I listen to all kinds of music from hip-hop to jazz, I am a huge fan of the Seattle Seahawks, and my American accent can all attest to that. I guess I’m a combination of the Indian culture and the American way of life.
    On the other hand, I wonder whether speaking Tamil at home and visits in the summer are enough to stay connected to my homeland. Whenever I see my parents reading Tamil magazines or watching Tamil movies, I feel that only half of me is recognizing what is going on. This awkward feeling has inspired me to turn to my heritage to discover what I have lost by living in America.
    Unfortunately, I cannot commit my future to only studying my heritage. I want to be able to use the knowledge I gain as well. For me, a career in medicine would be the perfect addition to my future. My father is a software engineer and I have had many chances to see what his job entails. Through him, I found out that my interests do not lie in the software field. At the same time, my father has encouraged me to put my medical education into good use by taking it back with me when I travel to India.
    Before I learned about Case Western, I was confident that I wanted to study biology and pursue a career in medicine. This made sense to me because medicine quenches my thirst for knowledge while giving me a sense of gratification and satisfaction that is hard to find. Neurology, my desired area of concentration, is always expanding and has a strong future. However, I wanted a strong school in the sciences because I have had an everlasting interest for neuroscience.
    This is why I find Case Western Reserve University a perfect fit for me. It gives me a strong biology curriculum, but still allows me to pursue my interest in neuroscience and cognitive science. By studying cognitive science at Case Western Reserve University, I will have access to a large arsenal of topics, some above and beyond my major. I will have an edge in medical school thanks to Case Western.
    After graduating from Case Western (if I am accepted, of course), I will have a clear pathway to follow. My experiences at Case Western will definitely give me the leg up for medical school. And, after my medical studies, I will be able to conquer my goal. Maybe I can find that long lost connection between my Indian culture and my American lifestyle.

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  3. Born in Palayamkottai, a small, rural town in southern India I came to America when I was only nine months old. Still adjusting to the world around me, I could not tell the difference between our tiny apartment in Bangalore, India from our large three-bedroom apartment in Richmond, California. Seventeen years later, 150 pounds heavier and 5 ½ feet taller, I have become used to the American way of doing things, having lived the majority of my life in California and Washington. Despite my American way of thinking, my parents have successfully raised me in the United States with Indian morals, reminding me not to forget my native culture or its language. In this paragraph, double-check for comma uses. See this link: (Broken Link Removed) (2nd and 6th sections)

    My ties with my native southern Indian culture is as strong as steel. I visit my relatives in Tamil Nadu every other summer and I have traveled throughout India. When my relatives ask me a question, and I respond in Tamil, they have a surprised look on their face. However, seventeen years in America has had its effect on me as well. I am considered as "American" as any of my classmates. I listen to all kinds of music from hip-hop to jazz, I am a huge fan of the Seattle Seahawks, and my American accent can all attest to that. I guess I’m a combination of the Indian culture and the American way of life.
    On the other hand, I wonder whether speaking Tamil at home and visits in the summer are enough to stay connected to my homeland. Whenever I see my parents reading Tamil magazines or watching Tamil movies, I feel that only half of me is recognizing what is going on. This awkward feeling has inspired me to turn to my heritage to discover what I have lost by living in America. In this paragraph, double-check for subject-verb agreement, comma in compound sentence, plural/singular references, logic in reference ("can all attest to that" -- all = ?)

    Unfortunately, I cannot commit my future to only studying my heritage. I want to be able to use the knowledge I gain as well. For me, a career in medicine would be the perfect addition to my future. My father is a software engineer and I have had many chances to see what his job entails. Through him, I found out that my interests do not lie in the software field. At the same time, my father has encouraged me to put my medical education into good use by taking it back with me when I travel to India. In this paragraph, check for commas in compound sentences; rephrase "put my medical education" -- you haven't had that education yet, have you?

    Before I learned about Case Western, I was confident that I wanted to study biology and pursue a career in medicine. This made sense to me because medicine quenches my thirst for knowledge while giving me a sense of gratification and satisfaction that is hard to find. Neurology, my desired area of concentration, is always expanding and has a strong future. However, I wanted a strong school in the sciences because I have had an everlasting interest for neuroscience. Check preposition use; it's "interest in" not "interest for"

    This is why I find Case Western Reserve University a perfect fit for me. It gives me a strong biology curriculum, but still allows me to pursue my interest in neuroscience and cognitive science. By studying cognitive science at Case Western Reserve University, I will have access to a large arsenal of topics, some above and beyond my major. I will have an edge in medical school thanks to Case Western. I think "arsenal" is too military sounding; try "array" instead.

    After graduating from Case Western (if I am accepted, of course), I will have a clear pathway to follow. My experiences at Case Western will definitely give me the leg up for medical school. And, after my medical studies, I will be able to conquer my goal. Maybe I can find that long lost connection between my Indian culture and my American lifestyle. Better to say "reach my goal" rather than "conquer..."

    Overall, this is a good paper.

    =)

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    Writeacher
  4. Thank you very much, I'll definitely look into the comma errors. Seems like there is a lot.

    Do you think my essay makes sense logically? Did I organize my ideas well? That's what I'm worried about the most.

    Thank you.

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  5. Yes, the content (including organization and coherence) is fine.

    =)

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    Writeacher
  6. Thanks again for your help.

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  7. You're very welcome!

    =)

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    Writeacher

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