1) At the University of Maryland, we value a diverse community. How have your life experiences and background shaped you into an individual who will enrich the University of Maryland community?
The Indian students were unaware of me standing on the balcony, watching them with interest as they walked back from school on the narrow dirt path road. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes were neatly tied, and their faces were lit with joy after one more day of gaining knowledge. At that moment, the realization of the cultural, political, and religious diversity I have been lucky enough to see in my lifetime struck me. As I reflect back onto my travels to Africa, Europe, and Asia, I think about how I have incorporated tolerance, and respect for others into my life. Tolerance and respect for diversity are essential aspects for a student to live in the fast paced and ever changing community at the University of Maryland.
As I try to balance my life between the school work and social life of Western society, and the home life and traditions of Indian society, I find many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the diversity of the University of Maryland community.
When I entered my freshman year at Hereford High, not many boys sought to join my schools prestigious chamber choir. Stereotypes aside, I succeeded in gaining admission into the group and as time progressed, came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers. Surprisingly, our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected. Every person in this choir comes from a different background and a social class but we are all bound together by the music we practice. To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time, and free time. The commitment we showed throughout the year paid off when a group of judges awarded us the highest rating possible at the state competition. From this accomplishment I have learned that no matter which path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any group of people that I come across.
If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I was in middle school, I would have no clue. However, as the years progressed and I grew more mature, I became aware of my natural leadership and communication abilities. Not only was I voted Vice President of Future Business Leaders of America, but I was also awarded the illustrious Maryland Mock Trial Champion Award.
Throughout my life I have been in the company of a wide selection of people. Whether it be scholars from FBLA, musicians from chamber choir, future public figures from Mock Trial, or entrepreneurs from my work experience I have gained many valuable characteristics which would act as assets to the University of Maryland community.
The last two paragraphs are incomplete. Critique as needed please. Also, please check that the grammar and punctuation are correct.
The Indian AMERICAN OR ASIAN? students were unaware of me standing on the balcony, watching them with interest as they walked back from school on the narrow dirt path road. Their uniforms were simple, their shoes were neatly tied, and their faces were lit with joy after one more day of gaining knowledge. At that moment, the realization of the cultural, political, and religious diversity I have been lucky enough to see in my lifetime struck me. As I reflect back onto my travels to Africa, Europe, and Asia, I think about how I have incorporated tolerance, and respect for others into my life. Tolerance and respect for diversity are essential aspects for a student to live in the fastDASHpaced and ever changing community at the University of Maryland.
As I try to balance my life between the school work and social life of Western society, and the home life and traditions of Indian society, I find many hobbies and talents that would make me an asset to the diversity of the University of Maryland community.
When I entered my freshman year at Hereford High, not many boys sought to join my schools prestigious chamber choir. Stereotypes aside, I succeeded in gaining admission into the group and as time progressed, came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers. Surprisingly, our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected. Every person in this choir comes from a different background and a social class but we are all bound together by the music we practice. To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time, and free time. The commitment we showed throughout the year paid off when a group of judges awarded us the highest rating possible at the state competition. From this accomplishment I have learned that no matter which path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any group of people that I come across.
If you were to ask me what I wanted to be when I was in middle school, I would have no clue. However, as the years progressed and I grew more mature, I became aware of my natural leadership and communication abilities. Not only was I voted Vice President of Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA), but I was also awarded the illustrious Maryland Mock Trial Champion Award.
Throughout my life I have been in the company of a wide selection of people. Whether it be scholars from FBLA, musicians from chamber choir, future public figures from Mock Trial, or entrepreneurs from my work experience COMMA I have gained many valuable characteristics COMMA which would act as assets to the University of Maryland community.
NOT KNOWING FOR SURE WHETHER YOU ARE REFERRING TO AMERICAN INDIANS (NATIVE AMERICANS) OR INDIANS FROM ASIA IN THE BEGINNING INTERFERES WITH THE SMOOTHNESS OF YOUR COMMUNICATION.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO USE AN ACRONYM, INDICATE IT FIRST RIGHT AFTER THE FULL TERM.
OTHERWISE, IT IS AN EXCELLENT ESSAY.
In the future, if nobody is available to proofread your work, you can do this yourself. After writing your material, put it aside for a day — at least several hours. (This breaks mental sets you might have that keep you from noticing problems.) Then read it aloud as if you were reading someone else's work. (Reading aloud slows down your reading, so you are less likely to skip over problems.)
If your reading goes smoothly, that is fine. However, wherever you "stumble" in your reading, other persons are likely to have a problem in reading your material. Those "stumbles" indicate areas that need revising.
Once you have made your revisions, repeat the process above. Good papers often require many drafts.
I hope this helps. Thanks for asking.
The last two paragraphs seem to be incomplete as they abruptly end without concluding the thoughts or connecting to the overall theme of diversity. It would be helpful to expand on your leadership and communication abilities, providing specific examples of how these skills have contributed to your personal growth and how they will enrich the University of Maryland community. Additionally, you can mention how your work experience with entrepreneurs has exposed you to different perspectives and allowed you to develop a strong work ethic, problem-solving skills, and adaptability.
In terms of grammar and punctuation, here are a few suggestions:
1) "Stereotypes aside, I succeeded in gaining admission into the group, and as time progressed, came to know my fellow choir members as family rather than peers." - Add a comma after "group" for clarity.
2) "To achieve our goals of perfection, we had to practice constantly during both class time and free time." - Remove the comma after "time" since it's not necessary.
3) "Our dependence on each other was more vital than I would have ever expected." - Add a comma after "other" to separate the clauses.
4) "From this accomplishment, I have learned that no matter which path I choose to pursue, I will be able to associate with any group of people that I come across." - Remove the comma after "accomplishment" and add a comma after "pursue" for smoother flow.
Overall, the essay reflects your appreciation for cultural diversity and your experiences in various activities. However, it would be beneficial to expand on specific instances or anecdotes that demonstrate your commitment to diversity and how it has shaped you into an individual who can contribute to the University of Maryland community.