writing sentences and paragraph assignment

I have to write these paragraphs for a writing assignment and just wasn't sure is I was doing it right. Need some advice!!

ASSIGNMENT:
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Open a Word document and type the heading Paragraph 1. Begin your rough draft with the topic
sentence, in which you state the position and place, as well as your reason for wanting to be hired
as it relates to your inspiring experience. Develop the experience you organized in Step 2. Include
not only details about the one experience, but also show how that experience inspired you, particularly
as it relates the position for which you’re applying. Develop your paragraph using clear,
varied sentences containing concrete words and transitions or connectives to create a logical flow.
Show enthusiasm, yet maintain a somewhat formal tone.

This is what I wrote....

My medical history is the main reason I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist job at Lancaster Otolaryngology. My ENT discovered an unknown growth in my maxillary sinus and had it removed. It was called a Schwannoma. It was very rare to grow in this location and my ENT was very shocked by her discovery. It was extremely overwhelming to have such a rare condition but it has made me take interest in this specific job. I would have liked to be the person that documented my doctor appointments because it would of been very interesting . I am curious to learn more about new diagnoses doctors have made as well as treatment options. I want to be the one that documents these kind of procedures.

Is that what Im supposed to do???

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  1. Yes, you have the right idea.

    Now let it sit for a day or so -- and go back and edit it. For instance -- you've over used "very" and that word should be omitted.

    Also note that "would of been . . ." should be "would have been . . ."

    Also -- "I want to be the one that . . ." should be "want to be the one who . . ."

    We'll be glad to check your revised version.

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    posted by Ms. Sue
  2. okay so i did some editing ...is this something I could submit??

    Paragraph 1
    My medical history is the main reason I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist job at Lancaster Otolaryngology. My ENT discovered an unknown growth in my maxillary sinus and had it removed. It was called a Schwannoma. It was extremely rare to grow in this location and my ENT was shocked by her discovery. It was overwhelming to have such a rare condition but it has made me take interest in this specific job. I would have liked to be the person that documented my doctor appointments because it would have been very interesting . I am curious to learn more about new diagnoses doctors have made as well as treatment options. I want to be the one who documents these kind of procedures.

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    posted by courtney
  3. I'm a former HR person and I'm a perpetual patient.

    How about "The main reason I am applying for...is my...

    It's a bit wordy, I think. You are writing to a group of otolayngologists. They'll know the terminology. Pare it down to "I had a Schowanna removed from my maxillary sinus at age ___. It was overwhelming...

    You've also got a grammar thing going on. It can either be "I would have liked to have been the person who..." (that's looking back--not great for applying for a job) or "I want to be the person who documents..." (looking forward and ahead to the future.)

    You've also mentioned documentation twice. If you go with my second option, you can cut out your last sentence entirely.

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  4. You demonstrate that you’re able to work through all stages of the writing
    process to produce persuasive writing. To accomplish this assignment,
    you apply skills and rules taught in the first five study units.
    Background
    Ten years ago, you started working as a clerk for DMD Medical Supplies.
    Six months ago, Liz Jakowski, the human resources director, promoted
    you to office manager. You manage two employees: Jack Snyder and
    Ruth Disselkoen. Your office provides secretarial support for the four
    members of the executive team. Two years ago, Liz had assigned Jack to
    support Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo. Ruth was assigned to Samuel
    Daley and Frank Daley. The work flow was equally balanced.
    You’ve noticed that in the last three months Ruth has cut her breaks
    short to complete her work, complains of being tired, and at least twice
    a month requires overtime hours costing the company an additional
    $200 a month. In the last three weeks, Frank Daley has complained to
    you a few times about the poor quality of Ruth’s work.
    On the other hand, over the last three months, Jack frequently seems to
    have little to do. He has begun coming in late a
    couple times a week and taking more than the allotted break times.
    What work he does have, however, is always professionally completed.
    Clearly, you must investigate to determine what is causing this change
    and how to improve the situation. Since nothing has changed in the personal
    lives of either Jack or Ruth, you conclude you must focus on the
    in-office work situation. You learn the following facts:
    • Samuel and Frank Daley share a part-time administrative assistant
    who works only 15 hours a week.
    • Ralph Alane and Jessica Hilo share a full-time administrative
    assistant.
    • Jessica Hilo has been on medical leave for the last four months,
    and Liz Jakowski isn’t sure whether Jessica will be able to return
    to work.
    80 Examination
    • Jessica’s duties have been temporarily reassigned to Ralph and
    Frank.
    Although you don’t have the authority to change who Jack and Ruth are
    assigned to work for, you clearly need to change the work the two do so
    that both Jack and Ruth work regularly without requiring overtime.

    The school will use the following criteria to evaluate your two paragraphs.
    Be sure you’ve revised and edited your work after reviewing
    these guidelines.
    • Ideas and content (development and unity) (20 points)
    You’ve thoughtfully divided the Section 2 information into two balanced
    paragraphs. In each paragraph, you present one clear main
    idea. Each of the two main ideas directly relates to the assigned
    purpose and audience: persuading Liz Jakowski to implement your
    solution. You effectively combine applicable information from the
    Background with insightful details of your own to develop a stepby-step
    plan. Those details are knitted together with reasonable
    explanation that includes the benefits from implementing your plan.
    (20 points)
    • Organization (coherence and paragraph structure)
    (20 points)
    You develop the main idea of each paragraph in a logical direction.
    The first paragraph flows naturally into the second paragraph without
    blurring the two main ideas. Your details fit naturally where
    placed. You effectively use connective wording to weave information
    and explanation into a cohesive whole.
    • Voice (10 points)
    Each paragraph maintains a single point of view using appropriate
    pronouns and verbs in active voice. In an informal business fashion,
    you connect with your supervisor. Your tone and voice give an
    engaging flavor to the message; they are appropriate for both the
    audience and purpose.
    • Word choice (15 points)
    Each word works smoothly with the other words to convey the
    intended message in a precise, appealing, and original way. The
    words you choose are specific, accurate, and energetic. You don’t
    use slang, clichés, or jargon.

    plz help .dont know how to satart and what to write

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    posted by yogita

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