Paragraph 1

Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

Here's what I have so far:
I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist I position at Jackson Transcription Services because of my love for research and thirst for knowledge. My passion for medical transcription arose due to a personal experience with a family member. This person has been given several different diagnoses for her condition. With each change in insurance came a different disease. These professionals provided no justifiable reason as to why their conclusion was correct, but prescribed additional medications every time. We decided to research each of the conditions only to discover how similar the symptoms were. The experience was very enlightening and provided great insight into the medical field. Until such time, I had no idea how interesting it could be. To most people, medical terms and diseases all seem so technical and hard to decipher. I am confident that my work as a medical transcriptionist will not only be clear, concise but also allow me to assist others in understanding the complex field of medicine.

Everything in your paragraph seems to be fine -- the writing is clear, grammar and usage are generally okay, progression of ideas through the paragraph is good.

But that first sentence!! You need to clarify what "love for research and thirst for knowledge" have to do with medical transcription. Think about what the job entails. Does it involve any research and "thirst for knowledge"?

I agree totally with Writeacher. This seems to me to be the major idea of your paragraph. "allow me to assist others in understanding the complex field of medicine. " Your support is focused on that primarily. Perhaps you could restructure your first sentence in this direction.

Yes, it does involve medical research. I looked at several open job descriptions, however, I do agree that I can word it better. Thank you for the suggestion and for taking the time to review my work!

To improve your paragraph, you can add more specific details and connect them to your enthusiasm for the Medical Transcriptionist I position at Jackson Transcription Services. Here's an updated version:

"I am applying for the Medical Transcriptionist I position at Jackson Transcription Services because of my deep passion for research and thirst for knowledge in the medical field. This passion was sparked by a personal experience with a close family member. Over the years, this family member has received multiple diagnoses for her condition, each changing with every insurance switch. These healthcare professionals failed to provide any concrete reasoning behind their conclusions, yet consistently prescribed different medications. Frustrated, we took it upon ourselves to research each of the conditions and were astounded by the striking similarities in their symptoms.

This eye-opening experience not only gave me a newfound appreciation for the complexities of the medical field but also highlighted the importance of accurate and thorough medical documentation. It showed me that deciphering medical terms and understanding diseases is not only technical but also crucial for ensuring proper diagnoses and treatment. I want to leverage my skills as a medical transcriptionist to contribute to the field by providing clear, concise, and meticulous documentation that can assist both healthcare professionals and patients in understanding and navigating the intricacies of medicine.

By joining the team at Jackson Transcription Services, I believe I can combine my passion for research, attention to detail, and knack for deciphering complex information to make a tangible difference in improving healthcare communication. I am eager to embrace this position and use my inspiring experience as a driving force in my work, supporting the broader mission of providing accurate medical documentation that has a positive impact on patient care."

In this revised version, the paragraph provides a clearer connection between your personal experience, your motivation for applying to the position, and your enthusiasm for the role. It also emphasizes the importance of accurate medical documentation and highlights how your skills can contribute to improving healthcare communication.