I have written an essay for my class,and I wanted some one to look it over for me and make any corrections. Thank you:)
Mr. Tom Brooks’ narrative tells of a fatal fire in one of New York’s most important shirt manufactures. Yes, fires are very common throughout American history, but Brooks shows us “how interrelated historical components fueled the disaster” (35).
Nearly all evidence shown throughout the narrative shows and emphasizes the girls innocence in the tragic tale to be told for years to come. Imagery is very important and helps strengthen Brooks narrative as well as when he shows us his portrayal of the horrific event with as much detail as he could gather from personal testimonies of survivors and witnesses. The view of others helps the reader see how emotionally challenging the fire was , and how it made them realize their life was important to them causing some to do whatever they needed to; to survive.
146 lives were lost, many of whom were young girls (35). The fire caused panic throughout the minds of a numerous number of people who, in the beginning, believed it to be no worry. Many stayed late that day to fill backorders, the room they were occupying was cluttered with some people smoking by highly flammable materials. Also to add to everything, the gasoline was in a close proximity to all things (including the smokers) which was used for heating irons. When the fire was underway, many things went wrong. The first warning, that could have saved a few more lives, was ignored. When they tried using the hose to put the fire out, they discovered it was inactive because of must and rot. numerous malfunctions in the safety features in the building led to further injury and death as workers could not escape the deadly flames.
I believe Brooks to be wrong at perceiving the girls as martyrs, because they did not listen to the alarm, were not paying attention to the highly flammable items that people should not be near with cigarettes, and were not prepared for an emergency. This fire could have been prevented.
It was a disastrous occurrence that opened many eyes to see that changes needed to be made in order to prevent this incident from happening again. “The fire acted as a catalyst... the unions and urban working people found how much could be gained through legislation and how best to use their votes to secure reform measures…” (39).
Thanks to Tom Brooks, the fatal fire that “struck one of New York’s important shirt manufactures” (35) will not be easily forgotten. From the images of the girls taking their lives into their own hands and doing what they could to survive to the disasters that could have been prevented, and finally, to the last girl with her face upward towards the sky.
Tom Brooks’ narrative tells of a fatal fire in one of New York’s most important shirt manufactures.("MANUFACTURING BUILDINGS"?) Yes, fires are very common throughout American history, but Brooks shows us “how interrelated historical components fueled the disaster” (35).
New paragraph (indicated by skipping a line) indicate changes in ideas, places, times and/or persons.
Nearly all evidence shown throughout the narrative shows and emphasizes the girls' (POSSESSSIVE) innocence in the tragic tale to be told for years to come. Imagery is very important and helps strengthen Brooks' narrative as well as when he shows us his portrayal of the horrific event with as much detail as he could gather from personal testimonies of survivors and witnesses. The view of others helps the reader see how emotionally challenging the fire was , and how it made them realize their life was important to them causing some to do whatever they needed to to survive. (MAKE PREVIOUS TWO SENTENCES INTO FOUR SENTENCES.)
(DO NOT BEGIN SENTENCE WITH A NUMBER.)146 lives were lost, many of whom were young girls (35). The fire caused panic ("IN MANY") people who, in the beginning, ("DID NOT") worry ("ABOUT IT"). Many stayed late that day to fill backorders, (EITHER SEMICOLON OR NEW SENTENCE.) the room they were occupying was cluttered with some people smoking by highly flammable materials. ("ALSO" IS REDUNDANT.) To add to everything, the gasoline used for heating irons was in a close proximity to all things (including the smokers).
When the fire was underway, many things went wrong. The first warning that could have saved a few more lives was ignored. When they tried using the hose to put the fire out, they discovered it was inactive because of must and rot. numerous malfunctions in the safety features in the building led to further injury and death, ("SINCE") workers could not escape the deadly flames.
I believe Brooks ("WAS") wrong ("IN" OR "ABOUT") perceiving the girls as martyrs, because they did not listen to the alarm, were not paying attention to the highly flammable items that people should not be near with cigarettes, and were not prepared for an emergency.
This fire could have been prevented. It was a disastrous occurrence that opened many eyes to see that changes needed to be made in order to prevent this incident from happening again. “The fire acted as a catalyst... the unions and urban working people found how much could be gained through legislation and how best to use their votes to secure reform measures….” (39). (FOUR PERIODS TO INDICATE END OF SENTENCE.)
Thanks to Tom Brooks, the fatal fire that “struck one of New York’s important shirt manufactures” (35) (DO NOT NEED TO INDICATE SUCH SHORT PHRASES AS QUOTES UNLESS THEY ARE VERY SIGNIFICANT. WOULDN'T IT BE "MANUFACTURERS" OR "MANUFACTURING BUILDINGS"?) will not be easily forgotten. From the images of the girls taking their lives into their own hands and doing what they could to survive to the disasters that could have been prevented, and finally, to the last girl with her face upward towards the sky. (NOT A SENTENCE)
The caps are just to contrast my comments with your material. I hope these suggestions will be helpful.
I hope you have a works cited list for this so that the page references in parentheses make sense.
Mr. Tom Brooks’ narrative tells of a fatal fire in one of New York’s most important shirt factories. Yes, fires are very common throughout American history, but Brooks shows us “how interrelated historical components fueled the disaster” (35).
Nearly all evidence shown throughout the narrative shows and emphasizes the girls' innocence in the tragic tale to be told for years to come. Imagery is very important and helps strengthen Brooks' narrative, as well as when he shows us his portrayal of the horrific event with as much detail as he could gather from personal testimonies of survivors and witnesses. The reports of others helps the reader see how emotionally challenging the fire was ,<~~delete the comma and the extra space and how it made them<~~Who are "they/them"? the workers? the spectators? realize their lives were important to them<~~add comma causing some to do whatever they needed to;<~~delete "to;" to survive.
146<~~Spell out numbers that begin sentences lives were lost, many of whom were young girls (35). The fire caused panic throughout the minds of many people who, in the beginning, believed it<~~What is "it"? to be no worry. Many stayed late that day to fill backorders,<~~This is a comma splice or run-on; what should happen at the END of a sentence? the room they were occupying was cluttered with some people smoking near highly flammable materials. Also<~~add comma to add to everything, the gasoline was in a<~~delete "a" close proximity to all things (including the smokers) which was<~~agreement problems here: What's "which" referring to? singular or plural? Make the verb match. used for heating irons.
When the fire was underway, many things went wrong. The first warning,<~~delete comma that could have saved a few more lives,<~~delete comma was ignored. When they<~~who are "they"? tried using the hose to put the fire out, they discovered it was inactive because of must and rot. numerous<~~needs capital N malfunctions in the safety features in the building led to further injury and death because workers could not escape the deadly flames.
I believe Brooks to be wrong at perceiving the girls as martyrs,<~~delete comma because they did not listen to the alarm, were not paying attention to the highly flammable items that people should not be near with cigarettes, and were not prepared for an emergency. This fire could have been prevented.
It was a disastrous occurrence that opened many eyes to see that changes needed to be made in order to prevent incidents like this from happening again. “The fire acted as a catalyst... the unions and urban working people found how much could be gained through legislation and how best to use their votes to secure reform measures…” (39).
Thanks to Tom Brooks, the fatal fire that “struck one of New York’s important shirt manufactures” (35) will not be easily forgotten. From the images of the girls taking their lives into their own hands and doing what they could to survive<~~add comma to the disasters that could have been prevented, and finally, to the last girl with her face upward towards the sky. This last is not a complete sentence. How can you fix it?
Here's an excellent website to use for all things grammatical, usage, writing style, etc.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/index2.htm
Use this to look up topics you need help with alphabetically. For example, you need to work on these--
**commas
**fragments
**run-on sentences
**agreement (both of them!)
Good! You got responses from two of us. Be sure to pay attention to both PsyDAG's response and mine!
Sure, I can help you with that. Firstly, it's great that you want someone to look over your essay for corrections. Proofreading is an important step to ensure that your writing is clear and error-free. I can provide feedback and suggestions for improvement.
Now, let's go through your essay together:
- It seems that you are summarizing a narrative by Mr. Tom Brooks about a fatal fire in a shirt factory in New York. It's good that you provide this context to give the reader an idea of what the essay is about. Just make sure to include the full name of Mr. Brooks in the first mention (e.g., "Tom Brooks") and maintain consistency throughout the essay.
- The phrase "how interrelated historical components fueled the disaster" is a direct quote from Brooks' narrative, but you don't provide any explanation or analysis of what these components are. It would be helpful to elaborate on this point and explain how these historical components contributed to the tragedy. Avoid relying too heavily on quoted material and make sure to include your own analysis and interpretation.
- You mention that the evidence in the narrative emphasizes the girls' innocence in the tragic tale. Instead of simply stating this, it would be more impactful to provide specific examples or quotes from the text to support your statement. This would add credibility and depth to your argument.
- You mention that imagery is important in strengthening Brooks' narrative, but you don't provide any specific examples of imagery or explain how it enhances the reader's understanding. Consider incorporating specific instances of imagery from the text and explaining their significance.
- When discussing the fire itself, you mention that "146 lives were lost, many of whom were young girls." This is a significant detail, but you could expand on it by discussing the impact of this loss and the emotional toll it took on the community. It would add more depth to your analysis and show a deeper understanding of the narrative.
- You argue that the girls cannot be seen as martyrs because they did not listen to the alarm, were not paying attention to highly flammable items, and were not prepared for an emergency. This is an interesting point, but you could strengthen your argument by providing evidence or examples from the text that support this view. Additionally, consider addressing any counterarguments or alternative interpretations to make your argument more effective.
- Towards the end, you mention that the fire acted as a catalyst for change and prompted unions and urban working people to secure reform measures. This is a crucial point, but it would be helpful to provide more specific examples of the reforms and their impact. This would show a deeper engagement with the historical context and demonstrate a stronger understanding of the narrative's implications.
- Finally, when discussing the lasting impact of the fire, you mention "the last girl with her face upward towards the sky." This is a powerful image, but it would be beneficial to explain its significance in relation to the overall narrative or theme that you are exploring.
Overall, your essay has some strong elements, but it would benefit from providing more specific examples, deeper analysis, and addressing alternative viewpoints. Remember to support your arguments with evidence from the text and provide clear explanations and interpretations to make your essay more persuasive.
I hope this feedback is helpful. Good luck with your revisions!