I need to change my original paragraph, to improve it, by making these changes:
It just restates the well dressed part. It does not develop it. how is he well dressed?
How does his clothing appear. Examples of clothing.
here's my original paragraph:
The way one person would imagine John E. Mackintosh to look is probably the same for another person since there is a set impression of him for almost everyone. In my opinion, he would always be extremely well dressed in the most excellent designer clothing. In one hand he would clutch his phone, and in the other a heavy, brown briefcase. His physical appearance would almost immediately let somebody know that he is a wealthy businessman. Aside from his clothing, he would have on expensive accessories such as a big watch on his hand and shiny, black shoes.
if anyone has any good ideas that'd be great
thanks guys
As you can see, "extremely well dressed" means different things to different people:
http://images.google.com/images?q=very%20well%20dressed%20man&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wi
You need to be very specific.
You also need to clarify how being well dressed, owning a phone (a cell phone?), a briefcase, a bit watch, and wearing shiny, black shoes indicates that he is a wealthy businessman. Couldn't he have all those things and simply be in debt as he tries to make a certain impression? There are lots of businessmen (and women) out there who have no problem dressing the part, but who are not wealthy.
And by the way, you need to clarify what you mean by "wealthy."
So ... how can you tell who's wealthy? And how can you tell which of umpteen well dressed businessmen are wealthy?
...a big watch ...
Sorry for the typo!!
The way one person would imagine John E. Mackintosh to look is probably the same for another person since there is a set impression of him for almost everyone. In my opinion, he would always be extremely well dressed in the most excellent designer clothing. His outfits were all mostly the same consisting of a nice dress shirt and dress pants, with a heavy black coat on top. In one hand he would clutch his phone, and in the other a heavy, brown briefcase. His physical appearance would almost immediately let somebody know that he is a wealthy millionaire. Aside from his clothing, he would have on expensive accessories such as a big watch on his hand and shiny, black shoes. Not only the fact that he dressed in the finest apparel, it was his attitude, his formal and reserved approach that really showed what a big man he was.
is this better writeacher?
"his phone" = ?
A Blackberry? An iPhone? What? My grandson (age 17 and definitely NOT wealthy) has a Blackberry and an iPod Touch. How will you indicate that his "phone" signals that he is wealthy?
What designer's clothing is he wearing? Name a very high-priced one.
"big watch" = ?
You need to name a brand -- the most expensive one you can find. Just "big" doesn't get the job done.
What attitude? Be specific. Use much more specific words. What does "big" mean? Get rid of the "deadwood" words and phrases and use better (more specific, more detailed) vocabulary.
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/plague.htm
http://www.google.com/search?q=deadwood+phrases&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a
this is getting really difficult..:(
i think i'll take a break and try again in a little bit.
thanks for your help :)
To improve and develop the paragraph by providing more specific details about John E. Mackintosh's appearance, you can make the following changes:
The way one person would imagine John E. Mackintosh to look is probably the same for another person since there is a set impression of him for almost everyone. In my opinion, he would always be extremely well dressed, exuding sophistication and wealth. His clothing would consist of impeccably tailored suits made by renowned designers, showcasing his exquisite taste and attention to detail. Picture him in a sleek charcoal gray suit, perfectly complemented by a crisp white shirt and a meticulously tied silk tie, adding a touch of elegance. In one hand, he would clutch his state-of-the-art smartphone, reflecting his seamless integration of technology into his lifestyle. In the other hand, he would carry a distinguished, handcrafted briefcase made of rich, tan leather, emphasizing his status as a successful businessman.
His physical appearance would immediately convey his refinement and affluence. He would sport a neatly groomed salt-and-pepper beard, adding a hint of maturity and wisdom. To further enhance his luxurious appeal, he would accessorize with a distinctive, luxurious wristwatch, perhaps an elegant platinum timepiece with intricate details and a leather strap, exuding sophistication. The shine of his polished black leather shoes would catch one's eye as he strides confidently, leaving a lasting impression of his impeccable style.
By incorporating these changes, your paragraph provides specific examples of John E. Mackintosh's clothing and accessories, allowing the reader to visualize his well-dressed appearance with more clarity.