This is my intro on Individual Opportunity, a myth or reality. But my professor says that my thesis in the last sentences needs "more argument."
Many people have dreams whether it is to buy their dream car, dream house, or go on their dream vacation. Here in the land of freedom and opportunities, there is one dream that everyone strives for; the American Dream. The American Dream can mean different things to many people. For some it can mean success or freedom, for others, it can mean having lots of money and luxurious things. In today’s society, almost every person hopes for this dream. But is it possible for each and every person to achieve this dream? Some people go to school, get a well-paying job, and are able to make it to the top while the fortunate ones get there on pure luck. Then there are others who have difficulties climbing the economic ladder and remain at the bottom discovering this dream is nothing more than a myth with endless trials and disappointments. While some are struggling to survive in this world today, Americans should appreciate what they have and realize the benefits this country has to offer them; that with hard work, determination, and a good education, anyone can succeed with the right attitude.
You wrote: "While some are struggling to survive in this world today, Americans should appreciate what they have and realize the benefits this country has to offer them; that with hard work, determination, and a good education, anyone can succeed with the right attitude."
That's very convoluted and needs to be more direct. Exactly what do you intend to prove by the end of your paper?
Read these sites on writing good thesis statements to make yours better:
http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/acadwrite/thesistatement.html
http://www.indiana.edu/~wts/pamphlets/thesis_statement.shtml
More sites here:
http://www.google.com/search?q=strong+thesis+statement&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US321&client=firefox-a
is this better?
Many people have dreams whether it is to buy their dream car, dream house, or go on their dream vacation. Here in the land of freedom and opportunities, there is one dream that everyone strives for; the American Dream. The American Dream can mean different things to many people. For some it can mean success or freedom, for others, it can mean having lots of money and luxurious things. In today’s society, almost every person hopes for this dream. But is it possible for each and every person to achieve this dream? Some people go to school, get a well-paying job, and are able to make it to the top while the fortunate ones get there on pure luck. Then there are others who have difficulties climbing the economic ladder and remain at the bottom discovering this dream is nothing more than a myth with endless trials and disappointments. As the rich is getting richer and the poor remains poor, people need to take advantage of opportunities and develop the strength and endurance it takes to reach their dreams; and realize that success does not define a person, but only a person can define success.
To strengthen your thesis and provide more argumentation, you could consider incorporating the following points:
1. Historical Perspective: Provide examples from history that illustrate individuals who have achieved the American Dream through hard work and determination. Highlight success stories like Andrew Carnegie, Oprah Winfrey, or self-made entrepreneurs, showcasing how they overcame hardships and achieved their dreams.
2. Socioeconomic Factors: Discuss the role of socioeconomic factors in determining an individual's opportunities. Analyze how factors such as access to quality education, healthcare, and networking influence their chances of success. This will emphasize the importance of the environment and external factors in achieving the American Dream.
3. Systemic Inequality: Address the structural barriers and systemic inequalities that hinder some individuals from fulfilling their dreams. Consider discussing issues like income inequality, racial or gender discrimination, and limited social mobility. By acknowledging these challenges, you can argue that the American Dream is unrealistic for certain groups, casting doubt on its universal attainability.
4. Individual Determination: Counterbalance the systemic factors by emphasizing the role of individual determination and personal agency. Discuss the stories of individuals who have overcome societal barriers to achieve their dreams. This highlights that while obstacles exist, individuals who persist and possess a strong work ethic can still find success.
5. Cultural and Societal Expectations: Explore how cultural and societal expectations, such as the pressure for material wealth or higher social status, influence individuals' perceptions of the American Dream. You can argue that reevaluating these expectations and emphasizing personal fulfillment and happiness rather than material success can make the American Dream more attainable and realistic.
By incorporating these additional arguments into your thesis, you can present a more comprehensive analysis of the American Dream, considering both the opportunities and obstacles faced by individuals. This should help strengthen your overall argument and provide a more convincing and well-rounded essay.