Your boss wants to send a brief email message welcoming employees recently transferred to your department from your Hong Kong branch. They all speak English, but your boss asks you to review his message for clarity. What would you suggest your boss change in the following email message, and why? Would you consider this message to be audience centered? Why or why not?
"I wanted to welcome you ASAP to our little family here in the States. It's high time we shook hands in person and not just across the sea. I'm pleased as punch about getting to know you all, and I for one will do my level best to sell you on America."
Wow! The boss needs to get rid of all of the slang and idioms.
Good God. Get a new boss.
I would completely rewrite it. He ought be offering assistance in the move and getting settled. And the stupid cheeszy "pleased as punch" "my level best" ought to be left for his Alabama office.
If I worked here, I would seriously start watching for other jobs. No one can be great working for a toad.
oh yes: audience centered...NOT. Count the number of I vs you.
I would suggest the following changes to the email message:
1. Remove informal language: The email should have a more professional tone, so phrases like "ASAP," "pleased as punch," and "sell you on America" should be replaced with more formal alternatives.
2. Clarify intention: The message could be more explicit about the purpose of the email. Instead of saying "It's high time we shook hands in person," the boss could mention that the purpose is to welcome the employees who have transferred.
3. Highlight the department: The boss could specify the department to which the employees have been transferred. This will make the message more relevant and personalized.
Regarding whether this message is audience-centered, no, it is not. The message seems to be more focused on the boss expressing their excitement and intentions rather than addressing the needs or interests of the employees. An audience-centered message would prioritize engaging the readers and making them feel valued, rather than just sharing the boss's thoughts.