Sorry, I haven't written an essay in a long time. I'm studying for IGCSEs. How can I improve this essay?
After visiting Asia for the first time in 2006, I noticed how hard life was for people with disabilities. Unlike in the developed world, people with disabilities in Asia don't have the same access to education or jobs. It is arduous for these individuals to live an independent life. After being told to stay in my hotel due to my disability, I knew I had to change things. I decided to set up an NGO and move to Vietnam. Little did I know how much my life would change. Over the past three years I have learned how to perservere, be courageous and believe in dreams that I previously thought were impossible.
Living and working in Vietnam takes patience. The culture is very different. Many people think that a disability equals stupidity and uselessness. In order to change their views, I've had to work twice as hard as someone without a disability. Although it took a while to learn, I was able to master the language. Communication has opened doors to me and allowed the local people to see what a person with a disability can do. Making an effoort to achieve a goal can feel jading at times, but it brings tremendous rewards.
vietnamese guidebooks describe the traffic in Ho Chi Minh City as "a wall of motorbikes." Crossing the road is a daunting challenge for sighted people. Add a cane to the chaos and things become more complicated. Not having anyone to assist me, I had no choice but to tackle the motorbikes on my own. The experience taught meto be brave, a trait that has helped me enormously. I'm currently the only visually impaired foreigner working in Vietnam. Many people question my abilities and some have stabbed me in the back. My strength has enabled me to keep going. Being courageous has also permitted me to do smaller things, such as eat dog. I would not have been able to do that a few years ago.
The most important thing I've learned from my experienes is to never stop believing in my dreams. Prior to starting the NGO, I had no idea what I was capable of achieving. Two projects, a few newspaper articles and a lot of dedicated work later, I know anything is possible.
Three years later, I'm not the shy girl who dropped out of school. I'm the young woman who is looked at as role model. Despitethe bumpy mountain I've had to climb to become who I am, I've succeeded. No prejudice has held me back, no street is too hard to walk across and no skies are out of reach.
I'd like to add
Beginning paragraph,
April 2006 is a date I'll never forget. I was wondering what to do with my life. I went to Asia to visit a friend and I noticed.....
I'll take out the After my first trip to Asia.
Is that a little better?
What does NGO mean?
You say that Vietnam's culture is very different -- but you don't complete the comparison -- different from what?
Go through your paper and make sure of these things:
**Your thesis statement (main idea that you intend to prove true by the end of your paper) is clearly stated at the end of your introduction.
**All paragraphs except the intro and conclusion are begun with topic sentences that directly support your thesis statement.
**Each paragraph except the intro and conclusion includes 6-8 sentences which give clear examples and interpretation to explain its topic sentence.
**All obscure references, abbreviations, acronyms, etc., are made clear.
**All comparisons are complete.
**No generalizations are left without explanatory details.
To improve this essay, here are a few suggestions:
1. Structure: Begin by organizing your essay into clear paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific topic or idea.
2. Introduction: Start with a strong opening sentence that grabs the reader's attention and introduces the main theme of your essay. In this case, it could be something like "My first visit to Asia in 2006 opened my eyes to the hardships faced by people with disabilities in the region."
3. Content Development: Expand on your experiences and observations throughout the essay. Provide specific examples or anecdotes to support your statements. For example, you could mention specific incidents involving your disability that led you to decide to set up an NGO and move to Vietnam.
4. Language and Clarity: Make sure your language is clear and concise. Avoid using jargon or complicated vocabulary. Be straightforward in expressing your thoughts and emotions.
5. Use of Transition Words: Incorporate transition words to make your essay flow smoothly. Words like "however," "although," and "despite" can help link your ideas together and create a cohesive narrative.
6. Conclusion: Wrap up your essay by summarizing your main points and expressing a strong closing statement. For example, you could end by emphasizing how your experiences have shaped you into a determined and successful individual.
7. Proofreading: Proofread your essay for grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. Reading it aloud or asking someone else to read it can help identify any mistakes.
Remember, practice makes perfect! Keep writing and reviewing your essays to improve your skills. Good luck with your IGCSEs!