Write a business letter to the company or organization that's offering something you want and ask four questions that are important to you. Be sure to include enough background information, so the reader can answer your questions satisfactorily.
Hollywood Vacation Giveaway
123 Hollywood Lane
Hollywood, FL 12345
First name Last name
4321 Winners Lane
Richmond, VA 23224
Dear _________________
I was excited to see your advertisement in the Jet Magazine about the Hollywood vacation giveaway. However; I was not able to get all of the information I needed in order to submit my sign up sheet. I have a few questions I would like to ask before I can sign up. Please take a moment to read my letter so that I can get my application in as soon as possible.
The magazine did not sate that there was a dead line to turn in my application for the Hollywood giveaway. How long do I have to turn in my application before it is too late? I also wanted to know is there any fees that I should be aware of before I sign up?
I am very interested in this giveaway and appreciate the opportunity to signup. Is there anything I should do in order to increase my changes of winning? What are the qualifications I must have to sign up?
Please respond to my letter and question at your earliest convenience. I will be looking forward to hearing from you soon. Please feel free to contact me at (804)-123-4567 Thanks in advance.
Sincerely
First and last name
What is wrong here?
Very wordy!!
First and second sentences are OK.
Third and fourth sentences need to be deleted. They're just fluff. Get to the point.
Fifth and sixth sentences need to be combined into a much-shortened sentence.
Seventh sentence is awkward and with at least one grammar error, but needs to stay.
Eighth sentence is more fluff -- delete it.
Ninth and tenth sentences need to be reversed.
The second paragraph is very wordy, too. Lots of fluff in there. What can you delete and still keep the basis of what the paragraph is about?
In the given business letter, there are a few errors and areas that can be improved:
1. The salutation is missing. It should be addressed to the specific person or department responsible for the Hollywood vacation giveaway, such as "Dear Marketing Team" or "Dear Customer Service Department."
2. The address of the sender (4321 Winners Lane, Richmond, VA 23224) should be at the top of the letter, aligned to the right-hand side.
3. In the opening sentence, it should be "I saw" instead of "I was seen."
4. The word "sate" should be "stated."
5. Instead of "dead line," it should be "deadline."
6. The sentence "I also wanted to know is there any fees that I should be aware of before I sign up?" should be rephrased as "Are there any fees associated with signing up for the giveaway?"
7. "Changes" should be "chances."
8. Instead of "qualifications I must have to sign up," it should be "What are the qualifications or requirements for signing up?"
9. The closing should be "Thank you in advance" instead of "Thanks in advance."
10. The sender's name should be written with a capitalized last name, such as "Sincerely, First Name Last Name."
Corrected paragraph:
Dear Marketing Team,
I was excited to see your advertisement in Jet Magazine about the Hollywood vacation giveaway. However, I was not able to find all the necessary information to submit my sign-up sheet. I have a few questions that I would like to ask before I sign up. Please take a moment to read my letter so that I can get my application in as soon as possible.
The magazine did not state a deadline for turning in the application for the Hollywood giveaway. How long do I have to submit my application before it is too late? Additionally, are there any fees associated with signing up that I should be aware of?
I am very interested in this giveaway and appreciate the opportunity to sign up. Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of winning? What qualifications or requirements do I need to meet in order to sign up?
Please respond to my letter and questions at your earliest convenience. I will be looking forward to hearing from you soon. Please feel free to contact me at (804)-123-4567. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
First Name Last Name