essay intro help

hi everyone. i was wondering if someone can take a look at my introduction paragraph& thesis and give me comments/critiques. thanks!!!

Vernacular language allows a subculture to distinguish itself from the mainstream and literary culture. Vernacular lyrics are often overlooked because they appear unimportant and nonsensical in comparison to literary poems; however, these informal texts affect the individuals within the subculture and the mainstream society. Popular vernacular materials, such as nursery rhymes and metrical charms, present common poetic qualities; for example, they make use of rhythm, verse format, imagery, repetition, and they also demonstrate the power of language. The intensity of language and its power is apparent in the military’s vernacular subculture. Similar poetic qualities can be identified in a comparative analysis between military marching chants and the popular vernacular forms of nursery rhymes and metrical charms. Although military marching chants build camaraderie and motivation among soldiers, they also demonstrate the harmful affects of vernacular poetic materials because of their offensive nature and manipulative intentions.

Thank you for using the Jiskha Homework Help Forum. Your introductory paragraph looks powerful! The only thing I can't read are the "hieroglyphics" between "military" and "vernacular."

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