Please give feedback on the below acrostic poems. I am in 9th grade so base it off of that.
Follow me
Over the rainbow
Outside reality
Towards the stars
Sprint towards happiness
Taciturn smiles whisk onto faces (or tackle fears or trust the path)
Evaporating behind
Pitter, patter
Silence, slowly dissapear
Slowly precipitate over horizon
Unveil a new day
New chances
Radiating beauty
Illuminate the heavens
Scarlet, orange, yellow
Enchanting
The poem below is supposed to be a personification poem.
Success
Flowing yellow hair whizzes by,
faster than a mistake.
A daunting call in the background,
failure not far behind.
Only a glimpse is seen,
as she sprints across the pavement,
rain drizzling across her face.
Failure still is close,
a mocking laugh,
as he slashes rain away.
For nothing can rid him
of the immense pain.
Finally shes slowing,
an abrupt turn follows,
a smile whisks upon her face.
Reflects into his eyes
he turns and funs,
gone is the fun.
She has healed him inside.
She stands there with the raindrops,
as joy drips down her cheeks.
She crumbles and I blink..
A glimpse of yellow flashes in your eyes.
Feedback for all poems and any changes to be made. Please be tough on me :)
Good .
1st poem - great. Disappear (spelling)
2nd poem - I think precipitate has too many syllables. Maybe peeks? Otherwise, I like it.
Verrry good personification.
Sure! Let's start with the acrostic poem:
1. Follow me
2. Over the rainbow
3. Outside reality
4. Towards the stars
5. Sprint towards happiness
6. Taciturn smiles whisk onto faces (or tackle fears or trust the path)
7. Evaporating behind
8. Pitter, patter
9. Silence, slowly disappear
Overall, this acrostic poem has a good flow and conveys a sense of movement and aspiration. The words you have chosen for each line fit well with the theme of following a path towards happiness and escaping reality. The use of alliteration in the seventh line (Taciturn smiles whisk onto faces) adds a nice touch. However, there are a few suggestions I have for improvement:
1. In line 5, "Sprint towards happiness," consider using a more specific verb instead of "sprint" to enhance the imagery. For example, you could use "race" or "soar."
2. The word "taciturn" in line 6 can be challenging to understand, especially for someone in 9th grade. Consider using a more accessible word that still conveys the intended meaning, such as "timid" or "shy."
3. Finally, in line 8, "pitter, patter" could be replaced with more descriptive words that evoke the sound of raindrops. For example, "softly, gently" or "drip, drop."
Now let's move on to the personification poem:
1. Success
2. Flowing yellow hair whizzes by,
3. faster than a mistake.
4. A daunting call in the background,
5. failure not far behind.
6. Only a glimpse is seen,
7. as she sprints across the pavement,
8. rain drizzling across her face.
9. Failure still is close,
10. a mocking laugh,
11. as he slashes rain away.
12. For nothing can rid him
13. of the immense pain.
14. Finally she's slowing,
15. an abrupt turn follows,
16. a smile whisks upon her face.
17. Reflects into his eyes
18. he turns and runs,
19. gone is the fun.
20. She has healed him inside.
21. She stands there with the raindrops,
22. as joy drips down her cheeks.
23. She crumbles and I blink...
24. A glimpse of yellow flashes in your eyes.
This personification poem uses imagery and emotions to describe success in a unique way. The contrast between success personified as a feminine figure in yellow hair and failure personified as a mocking figure is effective. The use of rain as a symbolic element adds depth to the emotions portrayed. Here are a few suggestions for improvement:
1. Consider reordering lines 6-7 to create a smoother transition. For example, "She sprints across the pavement, / Only a glimpse is seen."
2. In line 15, instead of "follows," consider using a more active verb to enhance the description. For instance, "an abrupt turn takes place."
3. Consider using a stronger verb than "whisks" in line 16 to describe the smile. For example, "a smile spreads upon her face" or "a smile lights up her face."
4. Watch out for tense consistency. In line 20, it should be "she has healed" instead of "she has heal."
5. Consider changing the last line, "A glimpse of yellow flashes in your eyes," to something more conclusive, as the reader may find it a bit confusing.
Overall, both of your poems show creativity and potential. With some minor refinements, they will become even more engaging. Keep up the good work!