Could someone please check my answer at the bottom and let me know if I did this correctly? If I didn't would you please give me some suggestions? I have 6 of these that I have to re-write.
Thank you,
Faye
In this assignment, you will edit and revise passages to reduce wordiness and remove first person "I" language.
Instructions:
Rewrite the passages below, removing the use of first person. Also, consider combining sentences to improve the overall flow of the writing.
I use the term blunt to describe this photo because I analyze it as a very matter of fact statement. Smoking kills. I have already mentioned that smoking kills, but the creator of this really portrayed logos with the use of the bullets casings. I cannot express that enough. There has been study after study on the negative effects that cigarettes have on your body. Multiple cancers, yellowing of the eyes, and reddening of the skin, and premature aging just to name a few of the well known side effects. The creator of this image wanted to make an impact. One that replicates the damages to one’s health. Ultimately leading to death. The creator of this image even specifies on his web page, “I wanted to send the message that smoking cigarettes eventually leads to death in many cases and that despite arguments against it, the facts are there.” I think that is why the bullets were used in this image. A quick way to die would be by bullet wound. A much slower way to die would be cigarettes. Either way, “How long will you dodge the bullet?” This statement reflects my claim that death by smoking is much slower. By dodging the bullet, the creator is implying that it is only a matter of time before death gets you.
My answer:
The following photo right here showcases the dangers smoking can cause to one another, in a blunt term how long will you smoke until you can no longer dodge the bullet?
Please post your edited version of this paragraph. Someone here then may critique it.
Based on the instructions given to rewrite the passage and remove first person "I" language, here is a revised version of the passage:
The photo can be described as blunt, as it presents a matter-of-fact statement - smoking kills. The creator effectively uses bullet casings to convey a logical message. The negative impact of smoking on health is well-documented, with multiple cancers, yellowing of the eyes, reddening of the skin, and premature aging among the commonly known side effects. The image aims to highlight the damages caused by smoking, ultimately leading to death. On the creator's web page, it is stated, "I wanted to send the message that smoking cigarettes eventually leads to death in many cases and that despite arguments against it, the facts are there." The use of bullets in the image serves to emphasize that death by smoking is a slow process compared to a quick bullet wound. The statement, "How long will you dodge the bullet?" reflects the idea that death from smoking is inevitable, urging individuals to consider quitting.
It's important to note that the revised answer is just one possible way to address the question. There may be other ways to rewrite the passage depending on personal writing style and interpretation.