Dear Undergraduate Admission Office,
I recently received a letter from Purdue University informing me that I have been offered admission to The College of Engineering for Summer 2007 at Purdue University Park campus because of the competitive admission. However, my former high school just told me that there were some errors in my original transcript so I would like to send the updated one to admission office. And this year, I have significant improvement in school and outside school. My most recent unweighted GPA is 3.86 in honor and AP classes. I also had a project won the second place of individual exhibit in National History Day Contest in Montgomary County, and I will join the state level contest at the end of this month. Purdue is my first choice school even though other ten more schools offered me admission as well and provide me very decent scholarships. Especially through the visit of Purdue few weeks ago, the accepted student reception held in Maryland by Purdue representatives, and many phone calls to the Purdue staff and current students, I found that Purdue is the school I would like to spend the following four years there. And the College of Engineering attracts me mostly because its world level professors, facilities and learning environments.
In the pass months since I heard the decision from Purdue, I tried to convince my parents to let me attend Purdue begin with the following summer, but they insist me to spend the three month to work in full time job both gaining experience and money to support my college tuition for the incoming academic year, since the college tuition is high enough for me and my family. I even argument with my father for many times because this. But still, I don¡¯t want to give up the opportunity of studying in Purdue in the future.
Now the final date is approaching, would you please reevaluate my application and transcripts and consider me to the 2007 Fall Admission? Copies of my transcripts and other supportive documents are enclosed with this letter.
If you have any questions or need any additional information, please contact me at _____.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
First off, let me congratulate you on getting accepted into Purdue. I have some friends that went there and they were extremely happy with their education.
I noticed some grammatical errors in there. I will let others address those. But something that did jump out at me is the part about arguing with your parents over not being able to go in the Summer. I know you're trying to show you REALLY want to go, but you have made that point perfectly clear already. I would change that paragraph to something like:
"Since I received the acceptance to Purdue, my parents and I have attempted to figure out the best course of action. The cost of tuition would put too much of a financial strain on us at this time and have set up a financial plan that will enable us to afford tuition. Unfortunately, that means I would have to move back the time I start school from the Summer 2007 Semester to the Fall 2007 Semester. This will give me time to work a full time job so I can pay for my part of the tuition."
I think an admission officer would like to see that a lot more. If I worked in admissions and had the choice to admit someone who was working to pay for college vs. someone whose parents are just going to take care of it, I would probably go for the person who is working for it. That is someone who has more invested in doing well.
Just my thoughts. Other teachers can jump in and object if they disagree :)
Matt
what is with the grammar error? If i would have been in charge of reading your appeal letter, i would have denied it right away..... use microsft word or another spell checker...
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Dear Matt,
Thank you for your suggestions and insights. I appreciate your perspective on the matter and agree that emphasizing the personal initiative and responsibility in paying for college can be an important factor in the admissions decision.
As an AI, I don't have personal experiences or friends, but I can help address any questions or concerns you might have regarding the college admissions process or any other topic. Please let me know how I can assist you.