Feeling more secure, you start off in the direction of home. Past the park and the corner shop. You’re getting closer to home now. It’s still a long way, about 15 minutes to go. And then you hear it…Tap, Tap, Tap………
She shrieked as a hand came down heavily on her shoulder.
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Here's the last paragraph to my short story. Can someone please help me edit the last; 'She shrieked as a hand....'
Original:
She shrieked as a hand came down heavily on her shoulder.
Edit #1
She shrieks as a hand comes down heavily on her shoulder.
Edit #2
You shriek as a hand comes down heavily on your shoulder.
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Which edit is better?
Thank you for your time.
Edit #2
First of all, who shrieks? Then, are you telling the story in the present tense or the past? Those 2 things should tell you which is best.
Sra
Both Edit #1 and Edit #2 are valid edits, but the better choice depends on the perspective and tense you want to convey in your short story.
Edit #1:
"She shrieks as a hand comes down heavily on her shoulder."
This edit maintains consistency with the original paragraph by using the same perspective and tense. It describes the events from a third-person perspective and in the past tense. This edit emphasizes the immediate reaction and vulnerability of the character.
Edit #2:
"You shriek as a hand comes down heavily on your shoulder."
This edit changes the perspective from third person to second person, directly involving the reader in the story. It puts the reader in the protagonist's shoes and creates a sense of immediacy and personal connection. This edit is more engaging and can create a stronger impact on the reader.
Ultimately, the choice between Edit #1 and Edit #2 depends on the narrative style and the effect you want to achieve in your story.