language arts

I wrote this monologe on abortion but i need to tone it down and make it more symbolic rather than straight forward.

I can’t help but picture destroyed, dismember…disarticulated small souls. Waiting to be born but soon before interrupted. A mother’s personal choice to murder her own baby is never justified! It’s never justified… I’ll be another disgusting human after the procedure, another one who has murdered the helpless, one of the millions. I wonder how people fight to encourage mothers to “terminate” a pregnancy. Perhaps it is partly easy when movies portray abortion in such a romanticized-sad-reality way. The woman: weak with a surreal smile pushing back tears is wheeled out of the operating room and into the protective arms of her boyfriend. We need a film maker who cares about truth: to show the procedure, the monitor they use, the disposal system they have. Show the girl who, thought to be unconscious, woke up to see an extremity being mangled off of her baby with forceps. She felt the distressed baby convulsing and kicking in her womb. A place of life now turned into death. They can’t imagine my nightmares. I do not condone the killing of a worm let alone a fetus. Pause. They can’t take my baby away from me… not with any of their tubes, tweezers or filthy hands! Not gonna murder my baby! The problem is I do not own my own body; until my childhood years have past it will stay that way. This baby belongs to my mother, belongs to my father, in their minds it’s no longer in my body and they’ll do what they’d like to with it. There gonna let em take out my little one and throw it away. I’ll hear my baby weep ceaselessly…

It is rather strong, and avoids conflicting arguments. The best way to tone it down, I think, is to avoid strongly emotional language (murder, helpless, disgusting, dismember, mangled off, baby belongs, baby weep).

The purpose of the monologue has to be kept in mind when writing: what is the point, to what purpose is the writing, and to whom. So think clearly why you are toning it down, and why are you making it symbolic. As a symbol of what?

It is good writing, and is powerful as it is. Realize that others have other views on the subject.

I got to thinking about this writing, it seemed too good. So I searched:

This writing is not yours, and claiming it to be is just plain stealing. Shame.
And I am not even an English Teacher, trained by experience to spot these stolen writings at a quick glance. What do you want to be known as, a thief? Do your own writing, and don't bring others work her for us to critique and modify for you. Ask your momma to help you cheat, not us.

BobPursley is being kinder than I. Had you been in my class you would receive an F for the semester and your parents would be called in for a discussion.
Internet theft has become so pervasive that there are many websites and an organization dedicated to finding material that does not look original. Google "plagiariam"

oddly... wut u said made me feel stupid. I know i shouldnt have stolen someones work, i wouldnt ever want that to happen to me. So I took out most of the stuff I stole, but still kept one line i liked and made sure i quoted it.

thank u for being honest

Lizzie.... sometimes an important learning comes in a painful way. I am glad that we could help you learn something really more important than English or Math. Good judgment and honesty will be important regardless of what you are doing. Best wishes!

Stealing hits some of us in a personal way - not just an academic one.

I am in the entertainment industry as well. Granted, I'm an amateur in it, but I'm there. When you watch Comedy Central and see someone do a half hour...or even 5 minutes of their own material, you have to realize how many months/years it takes to write that much stuff. I have been working on one particular set for over a year and NOW feel like it's a quality 5 minute set.

Unfortunately, stealing often pays off. It's a well known fact among comedians that a certain comedian on Comedy Central who I won't name, but he has his own "Mind" has lifted material from George Lopez, Bill Cosby, and a lot of other comedians and put it on his show. (Those of you who are old enough to know who Bill Cosby is...that takes a lot of guts to even try that and think nobody will notice). Yeah, he's famous. But guess how much respect is out there for him among comedian peers. Some have even tried to say, "but he's making money off it." Well...yeah. He's making money off something that took YOU years to develop.

Now that my lecture is out of the way... Lizzie, let me advise you on what you can do. You obviously found something you thought struck a nerve with you. That's a fantastic start. What you need to do now is write about what you feel. Reflect on those feelings and put your own words down. Don't edit yet...just write how you're feeling about the subject:

--You said you want to tone it down. What is in there that rubs YOU the wrong way that makes you want to change it?
--It seems like this is written from the mother's perspective. Is there another perspective you could take? (i.e. the baby's perspective? An abortion doctor who is changing and starting to struggle with an ethical decision? Other family members of this person watching her struggle with this and not sure what to say or how to help?)
--Do you want there to be a resolution in the end like there was here? Or would it be more powerful for the struggle to still be going on, but leaning towards the way you feel about the subject?

This was an easy google find. You're lucky you didn't do this and the teacher caught it. Before you do consider lifting someone's work, read through your school's policy on stealing work. If you're caught, it's probably a nasty penalty.


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