I've written an essay and I'd like to know if there is any help you can give me on how to make it better or is it okay as is?
It felt as if I were unconscious. I couldn’t think straight at that point in time; things were happening so fast, and I wasn’t able to grasp reality. Everything was a mighty blur to me and I couldn’t feel my right arm from the elbow down; this was the first time I had been in such a stressed situation, and honestly I was starting to fear for my own life.
This is what was I bravely had to exist through when I was only thirteen years old. It was a warm summer evening and it was a blaze outside. If you tried to walk down a straight road you would see the heat glaze through the air until it reached the horizon. My friend and I were in my room trying to escape this Georgia heat, and we were creating exiting, thrilling things to do to keep us busy.
While my family was watching a movie, we sat in the room with the room slowly darkening because of the setting sun. I had just finished cutting something the day before and had the razor scissors on the desk. I grabbed them unsuspectingly and started to twirl them around my finger. I liked to watch the glare of the sunset bounce off the blade and spin into the room. Since these were kitchen shears they separated into two sharp razor knives; and I did that. I grabbed both of the knives in my hand and sat near the sunlight that was still grazing over my room. I made sudden fierce stabs at the sun at impulse to watch the sun sparkle into the distant corners of the room. I continued this while we talked about the trivial matters in life; it’s something that we’ve always done with each other.
Soon after beginning my fun my friend brought up the looming thought of this coming school year. Stunned by such a devastating question for the summer time, I forgot about the two blades in my hand and since I was only accurate with my right, also my dominant hand, the blade in my left hand slipped and with such force behind it I couldn’t stop the blade from slicing deep into my right forearm.
I looked down and this time that blade didn’t reveal the sparkle of the sunlight I was so accustomed to seeing. I saw the chilling sight that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I saw deep, red blood dripping off the blade of the knife. I felt no pain because I instantly cut the nerves in my arm. I rushed to my father’s room and told him to call the ambulance as fast as he could. The house seemed to taunt me being so stretched out where I couldn’t find the supplies I need to save my arm the loss of blood. I tied a belt around the top of my arm, as if to stop the blood loss, as I heard the shriek of an ambulance pulling into my driveway.
I was rolled into the back of the ambulance and all I could see is the red and blue lights flashing as they rushed me to the hospital. The men in the truck are not the fondest memory in my mind; as I don’t remember much about either one of them. I was in pain and I was afraid for my life. After seemingly endless hours of stitching and cutting and re-stitching, I was finally told what happened. I cut 2 inches into the skin and was about a centimeter from cutting a major artery which would have likely killed me.
I now realize, and as often as possible I like to share it with my peers, that you should treasure what you have while you can still love it. During that day, I thought I’d lose all my loved ones and everything I every cared about. I now appreciate living such a privileged life, and having such a good family that would help me anytime. But the main point of my experience is to enjoy what you have while it’s there, because without notice; you could lose everything you love and care for.
it didn't seem to show it all?
If you were trying to "cut and paste" you will find that rarely works here. You need to type the entire essay out. It's a good start.
Sra
To make your essay better, here are a few suggestions for improvement:
1. Improve the flow and organization: The essay jumps from the present to the past without clear transitions. Consider reorganizing the paragraphs to create a smooth narrative.
2. Use descriptive language: While you do provide some descriptions, try to incorporate more vivid imagery and sensory details to engage the reader. This will help to make your experience more immersive.
3. Develop your emotions and reflections: While you mention feeling unconscious and scared, elaborate more on your emotions throughout the essay. Additionally, expand on your reflection and the lessons learned from the experience.
4. Watch sentence structure and grammar: There are a few instances where the sentence structure could be improved for clarity and coherence. Revision for grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors should also be done.
In order to edit your essay more effectively, you can follow these steps:
1. Take a break: Put some distance between yourself and the essay. This will help you approach it with fresh eyes.
2. Read it aloud: This will allow you to catch any awkward sentences or phrasings that may need revision.
3. Seek feedback: Share your essay with someone you trust, such as a teacher, mentor, or friend, and ask for their feedback. They may offer valuable suggestions for improvement.
4. Revise based on feedback: Consider the feedback you received and make necessary revisions to your essay.
5. Proofread: Go through your essay one last time to correct any remaining errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling.
By following these steps, you can improve your essay and make it more impactful.