Can you please see if this essay answers this prompt: Why do you deserve to be chosen to attend the programs you want?
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“The only way to find the limits of the possible is by going beyond them to the impossible.” This quote by Arthur C. Clarke is an inspiring motivation to accomplish a task—any task. I have a strong personal belief in my ability to achieve high goals in my life, and my parents have only heightened my convictions. They always envisioned owning a Vietnamese restaurant with a warm ambiance paired with a kitchen’s appetizing aroma and cuisine. This dream eventually became reality. Located in a small suburban town, my parents’ eatery was a hidden secret gem. When the restaurant made headlines across the food section of the county’s newspaper, business began to flourish. Residents flocked to have a unique dine-in experience. The business had its peaks…, but eventually its dips led to its demise.
The restaurant’s years of success may have been short-lived, but what my parents might not realize is how inspirational they have been to me, contributing to my desire to seek a major as intriguing as business. Perhaps it was they who sowed the seeds of interest in me. I strongly believe my traits are a great fit for the pursuit of a successful career in this particular realm. For example, math has always been second nature to me. My strong desire to work with numbers makes finding solutions or alternatives easy. In addition to my exceptional organizational and time management skills, I am capable of leading a group of people or taking on a task alone.
As an admirer of people who hold leading positions in the business field, I would like to follow in their footsteps someday. I relish innovation and creativity. In business, I recognize the need to show patience, initiative, and willingness to be responsible when solving problems. The most important attribute I value in business leaders is their clear view to accomplish objectives in their career. I may be young, but my focus is stimulated by having both short-term and long-term goals for myself.
Attending the Hotel Operations Management course at Cornell University will allow me to learn how to achieve my goals through planning and wise decision-making. The dynamic business industry will teach me how to manage my life, my career, and my potential in business endeavors. My short-term goal is to lead others in an organization in business management, but I will become an entrepreneur in the long run. The business arena will provide me the tools to succeed and to shape me into a more informed citizen. Aside from having a glimpse of a business world that whets and satisfies my curiosity, I will learn how to become a more sophisticated orator and writer. This program will help me hone my strengths, especially since it is the only Ivy League school that offers a hospitality program.
As a budding chief executive officer, I must be driven and be able to achieve the best with the resources available. To accomplish this and to take on a principal position, I must have a strong foundation in leadership and management. The Grand Strategy, Leadership, and Advocacy Skills program at Yale University will improve my leadership ability and place me one step closer to my aspirations. Leadership qualities must be exercised beyond the workforce. These are necessary skills which will help me whether I am working in the community by volunteering or in a classroom setting by leading my peers in an extensive project. I plan to exemplify and practice my leadership skills by starting a new club at school or taking on an officer position within a club that promotes community service. With this capacity, I will lend my specialized skills to aid corporations or management groups by serving as a consultant who manages tasks ranging from money-keeping to managerial positions.
Gaining knowledge in the business world, specifically managing and learning to lead others, is a great investment for me, today and in the future. If provided with this opportunity, I will become a more productive citizen who can give back to society. I am passionate about being immersed in the business management and the leadership curriculum. Either course of study will enlarge and maximize my perspective on the importance of being a leader and being an archetypal example to others.
I am the perfect candidate to attend one of these courses because I am driven, committed, and hardworking. My commitment in the arts and music reflects how much focus and time I put toward my extracurricular activities. Rather than waiting for an opportunity to serve, I took the initiative in seeking out avenues of public service, like the Contra Costa College Early Childhood Learning Center. From tutoring grade-school students to fundraising for school clubs, my positive work ethnic can be seen from my volunteering work. My academic achievements over the span of many years show my consistency and dedication to learning. My character is built on a foundation of hard work and drive.
The insight I have received while watching my family at work has instilled in me the kind of ambition necessary to make a business thrive. I find myself driven and expect to demonstrate qualities that will bring the business industry heightened success. I am eager to bring my leadership and management abilities and my strong commitment in academic success to business school. I am positive the business world is in the cards for me, and I know my family will be standing by me—beaming with delight—every step of the way.
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Please explain what works and what doesn't and if I need to edit the essay. I would like to stand out in a great way, so I would like your feedback of whether this essay is convincing enough and if it highlights my qualities/reasons that make me a great candidate.
The restaurant’s years of success may have been short-lived, but what my parents might not realize is how inspirational they have been to me, contributing to my desire to seek a major as intriguing as business. Perhaps it was they who sowed the seeds of interest in me. I strongly believe my traits are a great fit for the pursuit of a successful career in this particular realm. For example, math has always been second nature to me. My strong desire to work with numbers makes finding solutions or alternatives easy. In addition to my exceptional organizational and time management skills, I am capable of leading a group of people or taking on a task alone.
As an admirer of people who hold leading positions in the business field, I would like to follow in their footsteps someday. I relish innovation and creativity. In business, I recognize the need to show patience, initiative, and willingness to be responsible when solving problems. The most important attribute I value in business leaders is their clear view to accomplish objectives in their career. I may be young, but my focus is stimulated by having both short-term and long-term goals for myself.
Attending the Hotel Operations Management course at Cornell University will allow me to learn how to achieve my goals through planning and wise decision-making. The dynamic business industry will teach me how to manage my life, my career, and my potential in business endeavors. My short-term goal is to lead others in an organization in business management, but I will become an entrepreneur in the long run. The business arena will provide me the tools to succeed and to shape me into a more informed citizen. Aside from having a glimpse of a business world that whets and satisfies my curiosity, I will learn how to become a more sophisticated orator and writer. This program will help me hone my strengths, especially since it is the only Ivy League school that offers a hospitality program.
As a budding chief executive officer, I must be driven and be able to achieve the best with the resources available. To accomplish this and to take on a principal position, I must have a strong foundation in leadership and management. The Grand Strategy, Leadership, and Advocacy Skills program at Yale University will improve my leadership ability and place me one step closer to my aspirations. Leadership qualities must be exercised beyond the workforce. These are necessary skills which will help me whether I am working in the community by volunteering or in a classroom setting by leading my peers in an extensive project. I plan to exemplify and practice my leadership skills by starting a new club at school or taking on an officer position within a club that promotes community service. With this capacity, I will lend my specialized skills to aid corporations or management groups by serving as a consultant who manages tasks ranging from money-keeping to managerial positions.
Gaining knowledge in the business world, specifically managing and learning to lead others, is a great investment for me, today and in the future. If provided with this opportunity, I will become a more productive citizen who can give back to society. I am passionate about being immersed in the business management and the leadership curriculum. Either course of study will enlarge and maximize my perspective on the importance of being a leader and being an archetypal example to others.
I am the perfect candidate to attend one of these courses because I am driven, committed, and hardworking. My commitment in the arts and music reflects how much focus and time I put toward my extracurricular activities. Rather than waiting for an opportunity to serve, I took the initiative in seeking out avenues of public service, like the Contra Costa College Early Childhood Learning Center. From tutoring grade-school students to fundraising for school clubs, my positive work ethnic can be seen from my volunteering work. My academic achievements over the span of many years show my consistency and dedication to learning. My character is built on a foundation of hard work and drive.
The insight I have received while watching my family at work has instilled in me the kind of ambition necessary to make a business thrive. I find myself driven and expect to demonstrate qualities that will bring the business industry heightened success. I am eager to bring my leadership and management abilities and my strong commitment in academic success to business school. I am positive the business world is in the cards for me, and I know my family will be standing by me—beaming with delight—every step of the way.
I would like your comments on whether this essay is convincing enough and if it highlights me as a perfect candidate. Tell me what works and what lacks. I would like to hear your feedback. Thank you very much.
Beautifully written, but a bit long? What exactly was this a prompt for? It appears to be for entrance into a university program. Why does it mention both Cornell and Yale? Of course this is about you but if you can eliminate some "I's" with some complex sentences it will seem less "ego centered." Your command of the English language definitely works for you!
Sra
Upon analyzing your essay, here are some observations and suggestions:
1. Introduction:
Your essay begins with a powerful quote that sets a motivational tone. It then transitions into a personal anecdote about your parents' restaurant to explain your interest in business. This is a good way to engage the reader. However, it would be more effective if you directly linked your parents' experience to your own qualities and aspirations.
2. Body paragraphs:
In the following paragraphs, you discuss your passion for math, organizational skills, and leadership abilities. These are great qualities to highlight as they align with a career in business management. Make sure to provide specific examples or anecdotes to support each of these claims, demonstrating how these qualities have played out in your life.
3. Cornell University:
When discussing your interest in attending the Hotel Operations Management course at Cornell University, you mention specific reasons such as learning how to achieve goals, honing your strengths, and combining your curiosity for the business world with your oratory and writing skills. These are compelling points. However, it would be beneficial to include more information about the course or program itself, showing that you have done research and understand what it offers.
4. Yale University:
Similar to the previous section, when discussing why you want to attend the Grand Strategy, Leadership, and Advocacy Skills program at Yale University, you mention the improvement it would bring to your leadership ability. It would strengthen your essay to provide specific examples of how this program aligns with your long-term goals and what skills or knowledge you hope to gain.
5. Conclusion:
Your concluding paragraph reiterates your commitment, drive, and work ethic. However, it would be more powerful if you tied these qualities back to your main point—why you deserve to be chosen to attend the programs you want. Connect how these qualities will enable you to excel in the courses and contribute to the field of business.
Overall, your essay effectively showcases your interest and passion for business management. To make it stronger, consider making more direct connections between your personal experiences and the specific programs you are applying to. Additionally, provide more specific examples or anecdotes to support your claims about your skills and qualities.