Hello,
Does this sentence make sense? If not, can you please provide suggestions on what I could write in place of? I need a sentence that is strong to reflect my desire to enter the business workforce.
I find myself driven, as I expect to demonstrate my qualities that will bring the business industry a heightened success.
Your sentence is much too convoluted to be very clear.
After reading it about six times, I'm still not sure what you mean.
Do you want to bring the whole business industry (encompassing millions of businesses) more success?
Or do you want make one business an outstanding success?
Perhaps the business that I will work for in the future...
Ms. Sue is right. Your sentence is not clear at all, and really says nothing except that you expect to be a success.
A success at what? Specifically?
The sentence you provided is grammatically correct, but it can be improved to convey a stronger sense of your desire to enter the business workforce. Here's a revised suggestion:
"I am highly motivated to make a significant impact on the business industry by leveraging my unique qualities and driving it towards unparalleled success."
This revised sentence not only emphasizes your motivation but also emphasizes your intention to bring something unique and valuable to the business industry.