Could someone give feedback on my expository essay? The concerns is the thesis, intro, conclusion and citations of the paper.
Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (Lupus)
Many years ago, my mother was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Every day since the diagnose she try to live her life as a normal person without the disease. She has to use a walking cane to help with balancing and have someone to help her bath and provide personal assistance. Lupus has been raging my mother’s body for over 20 years. The doctor gave her a 10 year hope of living, and she is still alive, today. My mother has always been the strong heart of the family. Now that she is weak the family has to be her strength. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, which is also known as SLE, is a cancerous disease that attacks the body (skin and joints) in a rather damaging way (NIAMS, 2003). Lupus can be life threatening or life preserving. The determination of the sickness depends on the person history health records and symptoms of illness. Even though, Systemic Lupus Erythematosus is a disease that causes tarring of the body, skin and joints from different health issues and symptoms, people can still live and maintain a quality of life.
Lupus is a complex disease, and the causes are unknown. Lupus is likely to be that a combination of genetic, environmental, and possible hormonal factors working together to cause the disease. The National Institute of Musculoskeletal Studies states, “That lupus can run in the families indicates that its development has a genetic basis, a studies also suggest that several genes can be involved in determining a person’s likelihood of developing Lupus” (2003). In lupus, the body’s immune system produces antibodies against the body’s healthy cells and tissues. These antibodies are called autoantibody, which contribute to the inflammation to various parts of the body and causes damage to organs and tissues. With the auto antibodies targeting cells in many different parts of the body, it tends to cause inflammation and tissue damage in the joints, skin, kidney, nervous system, blood, heart, lungs, digestive system, and eyes. An Autoantibody can also attach themselves to specific body chemicals, causing them to form abnormal molecules called the immune complexes. These immune complexes deposits in various organs and tissues, triggering additional inflammation and injury to the body.
Although, the exact cause of SLE remains a mystery, scientists are currently investigating genetic, environmental and hormonal origins for the illness. The Medical College of Wisconsin acknowledges that many women than men have Lupus (2003).
Being female is a risk factor and 90% of all lupus patients are women, usually of childbearing age; however, children and adult men are also occasionally affected. With respect to racial differences, there is some evidence that the illness may be more common in persons of African, Native American, West Indian or Chinese the United States as a whole, SLE may affect as 2 million Americans (Hopkins, 2008).
The knowledge and information of the disease would help the people as well as their family and friends, and others that have Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE) or Lupus, to better understand the disease. SLE is sometimes missed diagnosed because of the illness and symptoms of the person. Many health symptoms can be mistaken as other types of illnesses besides Lupus.
SLE has the potential to affect many different parts of the body and lupus can produce a wide range of symptoms. Each person with lupus has slightly different symptoms that can range from mild to severe and can come and go over a length of time. Some of the most common symptoms of lupus include painful or swollen joints (arthritis), unexplained fever, and extreme fatigue. Rashes may also occurs on the face and ears, upper arms, shoulders, cheeks, and hand , because many people with lupus are sensitive to sunlight ( called photosensitivity). The skin rashes often develop first or worsen after sun exposure. Other symptoms of lupus include chest pain, hair loss, anemia, mouth ulcers, and pale or purple fingers and toes which are from cold and stress. New symptoms may continue to appear years after the initial diagnoses, and different symptoms can occur at different times. There are many of other people experiencing symptoms in many parts of their bodies. Just how seriously a body is affected varies from person to person. So, when the doctor’s are tempting to determine the cause for the symptoms of the illness they tend to miss diagnose.
The diagnosis for Lupus can be difficult to implicate. Several studies show that it may take months or years for a doctor to put together the symptoms to diagnose the complex disease. With the help of the patient, the doctor must have a complete, accurate medical history (for example, what health problems that the person have had and for how long) is very critical to process the diagnosis. No specific test can determine if the person has lupus, but several laboratory tests can help the doctor make diagnosis. Officially to make the diagnosis of lupus the doctor would see if the patient’s illness fulfills certain criteria’s established by the American College of Rheumatology. Even though, there is no cure for SLE, about 20% of patients experience disease remissions that last an average of five years. Since, the doctors have not yet determined the cause of SLE, there is currently no way to prevent it (Hopkins, 2003).
Diagnosing and treating lupus is usually a team effort between the patient and several healthcare professionals. The different health professionals might include a family doctor, an internist, rheumatologists, clinical immunologists and others. The range and effectiveness of treatments for lupus have increased dramatically, giving the doctors more choices in how to manage the disease.
Despite the symptoms of lupus and the potential side effects of treatment, people with lupus can maintain a high quality of life overall. One key to managing lupus is to understand the disease and its impact. Learning to recognize the warning signs of a flare could help the person to take steps to ward it off or reduce its intensity (Health Link, 2003). Most important is for the people with lupus to receive regular healthcare, instead of seeking help only when symptoms worsen. The treatment plan, which is tailored to the individual’s specific needs and circumstances, can be adjusted accordingly. If the new symptoms are identified early, treatments may be more effective (NIAMS, 2003). The doctor can also provide guidance about such issues as the use of sunscreen, stress reduction, and the importance of structured exercise and rest. People can be more susceptible to infections; the doctor may recommend yearly influenza vaccinations or pneumococcal vaccinations for some patients. Staying healthy requires extra effort and care for people with lupus, so it becomes especially important to develop strategies for maintaining wellness (Health link, 2003).
Regardless of the symptoms of the patients and the potential side-effects of treatments, people with Lupus can still live a quality of life. Researchers are focusing on many studies trying to help find a cause and prevention of SLE. Despite the flares and remissions occurrences, over the period and carrying the disease each person have a chance to live a quality life.
Based on the provided essay, I can give you feedback on the thesis, introduction, conclusion, and citations.
1. Thesis: The thesis statement seems to be missing from the essay. It is essential to have a clear and concise thesis statement that represents the main argument or purpose of the essay. Without a thesis statement, the essay lacks a central focus and may appear disorganized.
2. Introduction: The introduction of the essay provides some personal background and context related to the topic of Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (Lupus). However, it could be improved by stating the thesis or main argument early on to give the reader a clear understanding of what the essay will address.
3. Conclusion: The conclusion seems to summarize the main points discussed in the essay. However, it could be strengthened by restating the thesis and providing a more conclusive ending that leaves a lasting impact on the reader.
4. Citations: The essay includes citations from sources such as the National Institute of Musculoskeletal Studies and the Medical College of Wisconsin. However, the citations lack proper formatting and do not follow a specific citation style (e.g., APA, MLA, Chicago). It is important to properly cite your sources using the appropriate citation style to give credit to the original authors and avoid plagiarism.
To improve the essay, consider the following suggestions:
1. Include a clear and concise thesis statement that presents the main argument or purpose of the essay.
2. Revise the introduction to provide a stronger hook, background information, and a clear thesis statement.
3. Enhance the conclusion by restating the thesis and providing a stronger, more impactful ending.
4. Format the citations properly according to the required citation style and include a works cited or references page.
By addressing these areas, your expository essay on Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (Lupus) will become more focused, organized, and credible.