Could you please tell me if this is appropriate to sent to a college.
In today's society where the youth of the world are bombarded by the influences from the media, peers, many beliefs, values and perception, it may be very difficult to differentiate between the good and the bad, as well as how to combat many moral influences, and some in which may be negative.
With all of the many issues that we have to deal with it may be very hard to confront and address negative pressures. However if we could all learn to change the negative mindset that many of us all have been so accustomed to, and channel that into positive thinking we are on the right path. The majority of today’s young people should all realize that the negative things that are in this world could easily be solved if we would make a conscientious choice to succumb to those influences. By making an effort to change that we think personally we can assist others in the battling unconstructiveness within them. Not only does making choices play a very significant role in combating moral influences but also how important certain values are to us.
One of the most important approaches to combating moral influences is education. In today’s society education is a privilege that opens many doors for many opportunities, and also allows you to become somewhat enlightened of all of the many things that the world as well as life has to offer. I strongly believe that keen parental guidance has a considerable amount of significance as well. With the help of parents as well as authority figures, youth are given the opportunity to model themselves after those who are positive and are about making an impact. Due to the role that parents play, they should be the one’s who should help shape us to do the best we can possibly do by positively motivating us to get involved in school and extra-curricular activities. Many of these activities could include community service, religious involvements, sports and a plethora of many others that can serve as powerful combating forces.
In conclusion I strongly believe that whenever you set your mind on something positive and have the ability to stick with it you can achieve whatever task it is that you have.
This is in my mind exceedingly trite and wordy.
The second thing that comes immediately to mind is what is the purpose of this piece? Why would a college want to read this? Is this supposed to be news to them?
If this is an example of a short writing composition for admittance to a college, it does not reflect well on the writer's thinking processes...nor writing skills.
Finally, what does the (trite) final paragraph have to do with the rest of the piece?
I do however agree with your point on the sentence "One of the most iimportant approaches to combatting moral influences is education". Many very educated persons have no moral sense, and in fact, are leading lives of hedonistic immorality. I am not certain that is what you intended to mean.
Words are powerful swords, and using them in writing requires skill, forethought, and purpose.
In conclusion, state your purpose. Secondly, outline your thesis, and develop it logically.
Bobpursley is right. This is very airy and vapid -- far too many generalizations in this and no detailed examples.
At this website http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/abstract.htm
If this is intended for a college admissions essay, it won't get you far. You need to choose a REAL subject and write about it with details.
Based on the feedback provided, it seems that the piece of writing you shared may not be appropriate to send to a college. The feedback suggests that the writing is trite, wordy, lacks a clear purpose, and does not reflect well on the writer's thinking processes and writing skills. Additionally, the final paragraph may not be related to the rest of the piece.
To improve the piece, it is important to state a clear purpose and develop a logical thesis. Avoid generalizations and provide specific examples to support your ideas. This will make the writing more concrete and meaningful.
If you are writing a college admissions essay, it is important to choose a real subject and write about it with details. This will demonstrate your ability to think critically, analyze situations, and convey your thoughts effectively through writing.
To further improve your writing skills, you may find it helpful to consult resources such as the website mentioned, which provides guidance on composition and improving writing skills.
Remember that writing requires skill, forethought, and purpose. By refining your approach and focusing on these aspects, you can create a more effective and compelling piece of writing.