Please read this and tell me what you think. It's due tomarrow. Any constructive critisism is appreciated greatly.
“Wow, she’s hot!” Jake Petri thought as he his gaze left his paper and trailed off to Emily Runner from across the classroom. If only he could tell her, could hold her hands in his, and stare deep into her eyes, going deeper ever deeper, just to tell her she was beautiful. But that would never happen. Not until he could have a one sentence conversation without sweating.
“Oh, it’s time to go to your next class.” Mr. Dayton said.
Jake got out of his seat, not bothering to push his chair, and walked out of the door. As he approached his locker, he stared at Emily as she bounced up and down. Her hair bouncing as well. She hadn’t a care in the world. She exceeded beauty itself. He just needed to look into those beautiful drops of blue crystal, and tell her. Tell her everything. His love for her, and the beauty she blanketed him with. Just two minutes could make anything, or on the other hand, break anything.
“I can do it,” Jake thought. “All I have to do is look deep into her eyes, and tell her.”
Like that would be easy. He started walking towards her and as soon as he reached her, he
kept going on to his next class.
At his next class, all Jake could think about was her, her amazing eyes, and her gorgeous smile. And once again her stared from across the room. How could God give an angel’s beauty to a regular person. But then again, she wasn’t a regular person. She was an angel. He stared at her beautiful face, and fantasized, like he did a million times before, that his eyes were locked onto her astonishing pools of blue, and that he could lean forward and set his lips on hers.
“Okay,” he thought. “I’m going to ask her out on a date…”
That class went as slow as the last one. As he walked out of the room, passing the orange and blue decorated door, his mind was set. He was going to go through with the plan. Everything came into detail. He was even looking at what tiles he stepped on, noticing that each one had different marks on it. The noises filled the hall with the students chatter. He walked up to Emily, her beauty like a thunder blot, striking him down. His heat pounded violently against his chest, his whole body tensed as though he was made of ice. Then, two minutes of happiness and pain began.
“Emily, I was wondering if you’d like, I don’t know, like to have dinner with me maybe anytime this week?” Jake was sweating.
He was actually doing it. He was looking deep into her eyes, and going deeper, ever deeper. But it was the wrong thing to do.
“Um, sorry Jake, I got stuff to do all week for the next two weeks.” Emily said.
“O- oh, okay then,” Jake said. “I’ll see you later then.” the tears began to push against his eyes.
“Okay, um, see you.” she said as she closed her locker, and walked away.
Jake didn’t even bother looking at her hair, the way it bounced and how she bounced with it. Instead, Jake used all his remaining energy to fight his tears. He knew she was just letting him down gently, so his feeling wouldn’t get hurt. But he couldn’t stop the tears. They flowed down like little rivers, rolling down his face. They were heavy with melancholy, so heavy they dropped to the ground and exploded. Jake went to his locker, and sat down in front of it. His hands covered his eyes, and waited for 15 minutes. He stood up and thought. It was all over. There was a hole that was dug into his heart in that two minutes, and it was going deeper, ever deeper.
“I can do it,” Jake thought. “All I have to do is look deep into her eyes, and tell her.”
Like that would be easy. He started walking towards her and as soon as he reached her, he
kept going on to his next class.
At his next class, all Jake could think about was her, her amazing eyes, and her gorgeous smile. And once again her stared from across the room. How could God give an angel’s beauty to a regular person. But then again, she wasn’t a regular person. She was an angel. He stared at her beautiful face, and fantasized, like he did a million times before, that his eyes were locked onto her astonishing pools of blue, and that he could lean forward and set his lips on hers.
“Okay,” he thought. “I’m going to ask her out on a date…”
That class went as slow as the last one. As he walked out of the room, passing the orange and blue decorated door, his mind was set. He was going to go through with the plan. Everything came into detail. He was even looking at what tiles he stepped on, noticing that each one had different marks on it. The noises filled the hall with the students chatter. He walked up to Emily, her beauty like a thunder blot, striking him down. His heat pounded violently against his chest, his whole body tensed as though he was made of ice. Then, two minutes of happiness and pain began.
“Emily, I was wondering if you’d like, I don’t know, like to have dinner with me maybe anytime this week?” Jake was sweating.
He was actually doing it. He was looking deep into her eyes, and going deeper, ever deeper. But it was the wrong thing to do.
“Um, sorry Jake, I got stuff to do all week for the next two weeks.” Emily said.
“O- oh, okay then,” Jake said. “I’ll see you later then.” the tears began to push against his eyes.
“Okay, um, see you.” she said as she closed her locker, and walked away.
Jake didn’t even bother looking at her hair, the way it bounced and how she bounced with it. Instead, Jake used all his remaining energy to fight his tears. He knew she was just letting him down gently, so his feeling wouldn’t get hurt. But he couldn’t stop the tears. They flowed down like little rivers, rolling down his face. They were heavy with melancholy, so heavy they dropped to the ground and exploded. Jake went to his locker, and sat down in front of it. His hands covered his eyes, and waited for 15 minutes. He stood up and thought. It was all over. There was a hole that was dug into his heart in two minutes, and it was going deeper, ever deeper.
Oh wow that's really good! If there was anything to critisize then i would but i can't find anything. How old is Jake supposed to be, though? Because teens don't usually cry when they get turned down. I like the way it ends though. Good Job!
ty, Jake is a teen, but I guess your right about that no crying part. He's snesitive i guess? =] I'm kiddign thanks for the help
anytime :D
It's good, though there may be some grammar mistakes. I didn't know it would have a sad ending though.
Overall, a good story